Of The Crumbled Hearts

Maybe the real reason why I stay single is because I’m afraid of breaking up. Afraid of the undone commitment and memories that bind. The feeling of being rejected and hurt. The nasty jealousy when finding out that he chooses other girl over me. The asserted compliance to ‘let him go’ and ‘as long as he’s happy’. The whole drama accompanying one’s lost love. And at the end of the day, the bravery and boldness when I have to hit the mundane finality.

The moving on.

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It’s amazing how internet makes it possible for strangers to ‘meet’ and ‘feel’ the same way.

I’ve just blogwalked and found a blog owned by an Indonesian young girl, one year older than me. Usual stuffs on a girl’s blog: friends, families, cafes, chit-chats, college life, boyfriend(s), etc.

I noticed that she made a lot of posts about her recent ex-boyfriend. In 20 minutes, I’ve known how she met him, how he confessed his love (the scene includes sitting on a car rooftop while watching fireworks on a carnival… ah), how she said they were like ‘the mismatch of each other’, the fights, and the painful break up (the boy did. She smiled and ran away before bursting into tears). There were also posts she wrote while seeing her ex with his new girlfriend and posts about how she couldn’t forget him.

I felt like reading my own story. Well, I think it’s the kind of similar pattern in having a relationship, right?

Reading her posts makes me think about my first serious boyfriend ever. My first serious relationship ever, perhaps. Because my love stories do not consist of many ex-es, almost all the boys in my life come and go. Some of them were serious but with alternate endings, some were just sweet flings, some were simply jerks, some actually dared enough to confess.

My first relationship didn’t turn out great. Much like the story that girl wrote in her posts. Met by chance, tied up by choice, separated by fate. Eventually, the most similarity I found in her writings is the same bitter feeling we both felt about our particular ex. Memories. Eating up any sanity anyone could ever have.

I think to myself,

Maybe the real reason why I stay single is because I’m afraid of breaking up. Afraid of the undone commitment and memories that bind. The feeling of being rejected and hurt. The nasty jealousy when finding out that he chooses other girl over me. The asserted compliance to ‘let him go’ and ‘as long as he’s happy’. The whole drama accompanying one’s lost love. And at the end of the day, the bravery and boldness when I have to hit the mundane finality.

The moving on.

I pray that someday, soon, I’ll find someone who loves me for who I am, who treats and treasures my heart like what that little downright thing deserves. And I hope once I find another someone, he’s gonna be my last. The place where my crocked soul finally lands, and I don’t have to once again set and sail.

Author: mfaradina

An Indonesian. A reliable realist outside yet a romantic dreamer at heart.

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