Talking to boy-friends feels different ya. They give honest analysis, not just the cheer up lines or a set of broken heart-y songs like what girl-friends do.
I like the fact that I can have honest conversations with my boy-friends because I don’t have to risk falling in love. We’re and will always be in bro zone anyway. So telling them about my love story becomes quite exciting.
Disclaimer: It’s gonna be a LONG post. I’ve warned you. But who knows you may find it interesting? It’s an analysis, after all. We engineers love analysis. Right? 😉
There’s this man I’ve been thinking about lately. Like any other love story it wanders off quite easily. A bit reciprocating sentences, inexplicable response to unimportant things, heated up gossips between mutual friends and random late night talks about nothing but worth staying up for. It all went smoothly for a while. I could feel the expectation going up inside my heart, tried to dismiss the feeling I wish I’d never feel again. When you’ve fallen to the trap of liking or loving someone, things get quite blurry and you suddenly lose the sense of differentiating between what’s real and unreal.
Suddenly, everything stopped.
I don’t know exactly what caused the catastrophe. I did try to be as friendly as possible. I personally agree that I’ve been working quite hard to ensure that this particular process goes naturally casual, because after a careful analysis, I assumed that this man would step back if I suddenly turned too aggressive. So I did what I thought was right. Replied text messages without thinking too much about his response, so as to keep the conversation going on. Avoided personal questions, put some funny things worth smiling on, adjusted to the fact that this man was very, very shy.
So why? Why did it stop? Why did he lose interest? (Or, it seems that he did?)
After telling the whole story, my boy-friends gave their analysis about my problem. For me, it opens up a new view on understanding the way these XY-chromosome people think. You may, as I do, agree with them.
First, they point out that the beginning of the failure might stem from the fact that I am always surrounded by my girl gang. Sounds so high school, right? I have some close friends that I often go out with, including for lunch at campus. We talk about shits. We gossip. We do everything that a group of girls do. We share problems. We laugh until our stomach hurts. We talk without filters. We’re best friends with each other. Now the question is, why is it a problem?
I truly can’t explain this, BUT they say it DETERS men to try approaching someone who is a part of this kind of group. The reason, they say, is that they are afraid of being the ‘trending topic’. They don’t want to be the object of gossip. They don’t want their private life being exposed, but they know that they can’t help being talked about in this kind of girl gang. You get the idea?
My interpretation: “I wanna be close to you, but that doesn’t mean that I have to befriend 9 people at once. Since you can’t do that, okay then, bye”.
RRRIGGHHTT. My friends are indirectly ruining my romance! God this feels like a totally new horizon.
Second, is about image. Someone told me that it takes liking the ‘image’ before the ‘inner’. For men, no matter how beautiful someone’s inner beauty is, the only certain thing required to make them interested is how that person looks. This definitely does not only mean “sense of fashion” or “sexy and slim body”. No, they say, it’s more than that (for the intelligent, of course. Other men with lower level of education/assholes/playboys/one-night-stand-er may have different perspective). They say, it’s about liking what this girl seems to be on the surface. And it’s relative. They may like it calm, mother-like, bubbly, noisy, or even rambunctiously chaotic.
Now, when they get to know a girl deeper, they may discover that this girl doesn’t seem to be what this girl seems on the surface (uh, multi-layered sentence). In my case, my boy-friends told me that this particular subject might have liked what I looked like. And then, going back to the first problem: the girl gang. And he saw the me I portrayed when I was with my girl gang.
Or he might have discovered it in other ways, like, “Oh, she’s not what I think she is! So this is her in her everyday life. Jeez, it’s better to drift away. I like her calmness and seriousness and her intellectually enchanting radiance, where do they go? Okay I can’t take it anymore, no no I can’t stand someone’s problem like that. That’s your problem not mine. You’re too full of drama, I’m definitely not looking for drama. BYE”.
Third, this particular person might as well be AFRAID of COMMITMENT. This correlates with the fact that maybe, just maybe, this person already has a lot to think about. TOO BUSY, y’all! For men, it’s all about being superior. Lots of important things to think about. Girls should be put on secondary priority. They think that girls are overburdening because they add problems instead of reducing problems. “I have to do this this this and this this this…wait, there’s more!”. True, sometimes they’ll miss the feeling of being cared by the opposite gender. But when workloads come over they know where they have to go.
My comment on this:
Hello, anyone out there who happens to be experiencing this kind of thing. I don’t know about other girls, but one thing I know: for lady engineers, overflowing workloads are our daily intake. If it’s with me, for example, you don’t have to worry. I KNOW how it feels to have lab, tests, quizzes, organizational activities, personal problems, PMS and physical sickness all at one time and still manage to snatch the Outstanding Student award. Yes, I’m a chemical engineer who eventually stays alive, and that means surviving a bloody crazy war zone. My point is that I’ve been accustomed to being independent. If we happen to be a couple, I’ll ask your permission of whether I’m allowed to interrupt your work. Overburdening? Not quite right.
This is the advantage of dating lady engineers: we’re logical. We’ve mastered the art of prioritizing. Girls out there fret about girly stuffs, about bad hair day and non-glossy lipsticks, we do fret about not having better grade in fluid mechanics.
And after all, we have our girl friends to rely on. If you’re too busy, we’re gonna stick to them like how we’ve always been. And once you have free time on weekends, we’re gonna have candle light dinner together. Correct?
After the lengthy analysis, you readers esp. girls may think, “SO WHAT IS THE SOLUTION???”.
Sorry people, I still haven’t figured out that one yet. My boy-friends suggest that I can only sit down, watch, wait, and pray. To add some more solutions:
- If it’s related with the analysis #1, the only thing I can think of is pray that the next time I see him, he’ll see me without my girl gang and eventually realize that people can be different in different occasions. What I do with my friends is not almost always the reflection of what I do with myself. Don’t generalize, you know.
- If it’s related with the analysis #2, it’s quite hard, they say. Because it’s your image that has been crushed down in their PoV. Okay, one last attempt: hey man, I assure you that you’re going to date ME, not my issues. You have my word on that.
- If it’s related with the analysis #3, well, I’ve pointed out the way it works on the comment section. If that’s not enough, then we may as well not get together.
- If it’s the worst case scenario, like he’s found someone who suits him better, then I’ll have three things to say: a) It’s not like I’ve never had my heart broken; b) I’ve had the experience of not being chosen so it’s not something new; c) As beautifully written by Chelsea Fagan, “I wish there were a more complex way to phrase the sense of drained sadness that I feel about the biting competition that is palpable between women, a word that would perhaps do more nuanced justice to all of the social dynamics at play, but there isn’t”.
Last but not least, when all is said and done and when there’s no room for improvement, I’d like to quote Gaby Dunn:
You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging ’60s — we are happy.
Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.
If things don’t go better, maybe you just found me in the wrong universe. 🙂
Tell me, kay? If you don’t want me, tell me so I’ll know, and I can direct my investment to something more profitable.
Thank you! 😛