I know I’ll blog about this sooner or later.
This month marks the first time for me to go the extra mile. You don’t really need to know the details, but I can safely say that this is as far as I can go, at least in the mean time. I’ve learned a lot from this particular experience. Never did I regret my decision. I dared myself to try, and I did. I feel liberated for finally being able to live in reality, rather than living in paranoia of being hurt or haunted by “if only”s. Even today, today already feels like the future.
It’s been several days now, pretty quick for a restoration. In my version of twenties, disappointments and mismatched expectations are more easily manageable. I mean it. I’ve been in more complex situations than this. I’ve been hurt way sharper than this. I’ve been cheated and humiliated and hated for reasons that I’ll never understand, by different people that I’ve never imagined doing such evil (but trust me, this recent person is not included. This person gave me very kind words as answers, which makes me feel a whole lot better. I remember another one left without saying anything). But all of these things add precious values that I can only gain through the hard way. Slowly but sure, I can feel myself regain strength much quicker than I’ve ever done before.
I guess being raised by a tiger mother makes me believe that if I’ve done something 110 percent, nothing else matters. Not even the result. Now I believe I’ve done this 110 percent, unlike every unfinished business I’ve had with other people. Having had this kind of courage, never will I wait 7 years again for something that didn’t turn out to be what I wanted. Never will I let someone occupied my mind in the happiest 3 weeks of my life, only to find that he never did care. Never will I let myself wasted 8 months before another someone said he had other girl than me. Most notably, never will I spend too much time wondering, guessing, over-analyzing on possibilities of so many little possibilities. Honestly, I’ve never thought it’d be this simple to just be true to myself, take actions, and be relieved for what it’s worth. I’ve always been the one who waits and responds for my destiny to show up, but where has it taken me? Nowhere.
It may sound ridiculous, but I have to thank a lot of romcoms and TV series, particularly Gossip Girl, He’s Just Not That Into You, and Ada Apa Dengan Cinta. This episode of my life has been shaped by the change in point of view that is encouraged by these fictions: we make our own fairy tales. I’ve always believed in the notion that fairy tales do exist and my prince charming is currently lost, somewhere along the way that I happen to never cross. But now I learn that even love needs to be chased, even affections needs to be fight for in order to be returned, and if you want something so badly you should really strive for it. This is the momentum where I tell myself that I can’t just sit there waiting for good things to come. Good things don’t come to those who wait, apparently they come to the brave and one with better perseverance.
Maybe you’ll never read this, but whomever we may be with in the future, I want to thank you. Thank you for being the reason behind the smittens, but these butterflies need to be murdered before it’s too late. Thank you for making me do something I’ve never imagined having the guts to begin with. You may be kept in another portfolio of broken hearts, but never have I been friends with moving on as nicely as now. And I pray that you’ll find your way. Your way of letting go, and living your dreams.
If we’re meant to be, we’ll find our way. But if we aren’t, at the very least, this time I know I’ve gone the extra mile.