For When I Feel Like I’ve Lost

I had two best compliments today.

 

Marsh lu ga boleh pesimis gitu! You have all it takes to be a tough ******worker! Mungkin lu bilang lu inyi-minyi, tapi I know that you’re strong! Selemah-lemahnya cewe tekim kita semua udah ditempa kerasnya kehidupan di sini. Lu pasti bisa!

–Elsa

 

Marsh, maaf ya random, tp gw kepikiran. Jgn sedih Marsh karna g ketrima ***** ^^ Wanita kickass kayak lw bakal jadi harta perusahaan kok, org yg bener2 dibutuhkan. Jadi it’s their loss klo mereka ga nerima lw ๐Ÿ˜€

–Jimmy

 

I have such amazing friends. Thank you. Thank you very much. It means a lot. :”””””))))

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This is Why I Love Reading Murakami’s Books

I know I’ve always been a hopeless romantic.

โ€œMemories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami,ย Kafka on the Shore

Hi you. It’s been years and I haven’t seen you in ages, but I still feel the pain. It gets less significant but it’s still there.

โ€œI think you still love me, but we canโ€™t escape the fact that Iโ€™m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So Iโ€™m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. Iโ€™m not angry, either. I should be, but Iโ€™m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami,ย South of the Border, West of the Sun

And I’m not the only one wondering why.

โ€œWhy do people have to be this lonely? What’s the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami,ย Sputnik Sweetheart

Revisiting love feels like going inside a locked room of possibilities. Nobody knows whether it’s good or bad.

โ€œAnyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami

They are always too far-off, but at times they bloom into beautiful flowers that I can’t resist.

โ€œSometimes when I look at you, I feel I’m gazing at a distant star.
It’s dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
Maybe the star doesn’t even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami,ย South of the Border, West of the Sun

Whenever I look at that one particular person I always feel like I’m going to be angry, or my stomach is punched by invisible hands. But the little inner voice sounds like I still love. And I never have recovered since then.

โ€œBut I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami

โ€œNo matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami

It’s not like I don’t try to find another person. It’s just a mismatch expectation.

โ€œLost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads – at least that’s where I imagine it – there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami,ย Kafka on the Shore

โ€œBut even so, every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness. The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o’clock in the morning.โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami,ย The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

But just once, I want to know how it feels to be loved. A real love that can never let go of me.

โ€œI was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it — to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once. โ€
โ€•ย Haruki Murakami,ย Norwegian Wood

Sometimes, love is indeed anย irony.

What’s with all the relentlessness, only to find that the significant other never feels that you’re equally significant? At the same time, other people (Gosh, maybe even more than one) are fighting for your attention, but those are unwanted ones you most likely will dismiss?

What’s with the saying about I’m hurting and that broken heart is real, while I’m out there on the market, breaking hearts, mending others? What if I was the reason behind someone’s tears just like how several people have been the reason behind mine?

What’s with all the drama that we humans love to make and be involved in, because we like the idea that prince charming can be real. Why do we love to be flown to the kingdom of dreams even if in the end we certainly know that we have to fall from cloud nine?

I’ll never understand the complexity of love and the interaction between people who strive for it. That I love him but he doesn’t love me in return. That he loves someone else and that someone else doesn’t love him the way he loves her. That I love him and someone’s in love with me, but I won’t love him in return? This vicious circle, and only in a very rare situation do two people can love each other.

What’s with all these blind bravery that people have when they feel that classic “butterflies in your stomach”? Why do we risk our hearts being broken? Whatever small the possibility is, we still want to try. We take risks. We take measures and we’re ready to fall. And hurt. And break. And move on.

What if going with the flow doesn’t last forever, because at one time, someone can be a friction?

What’s with all these irrelevant facts that we twist in our heads, just to make the situation seems better than they actually are? Why, quantitatively, that someone’s “Hello” becomes any different from other people’s “Hello”? How can some particular people be automatically labelled as important when they have done nothing important in contrast?

Love is indeed a dynamic system. And that’s the problem with dynamic system — unlike steady-state condition, the process control becomes very difficult. You have to betray the simple laws in idealized assumptions. There’s no zero besides the equal sign. Instead, there’s the derivative. The problem with the equation of love is that it’s not a simple calculus of heaven and hell. There’s no right or wrong, and everything seems to be blurry and become the in between-s.

What I hate most about love is not the fact that I’ve been hurt, or been single for years after my last break up, or been rejected or even lost some parts of myself in the journey. The thing I hate most about love is that it’s awfully uncertain and important at the same time. This is a variable that you’ll depend your future plans on. Other variables may vary, but this one needs to be fixed.

Most of the time I don’t like surprises. I like a planned life and clear goals and concrete measures. But no matter how many awards and honors and achievements I’ve made, something is missing in the equation. Something always stops me somewhere in the calculations. And that, my friend, is the thing I have no idea on how to attain.

Happy 21st Birthday to Me :)

Ulang tahun ke-21 kali ini adalah salah satu ulang tahun yang paling “manis” buat gue, walaupun sebagian besar tanggal 5 Maret 2013 dihabiskan di perjalanan Bandung-Jakarta-Bandung untuk suatu urusan ๐Ÿ™‚ Di ulang tahun kali ini gue banyak banget dapet ucapan selamat, ย mayoritas do’ain supaya cepet dapet jodoh hahaha amin.

Oiya, ini juga ulang tahun paling kenyang selama gue kuliah. Pas pulang dari Jakarta langsung dinner bareng sekeluarga, makan masakan istimewa mama. Besoknya ikut pembubaran panitia RCBIO di Eastern, makan sepuasnya lagi! Perut kenyang, hati senang.

Me and my twin. Kami banyak makan, kami makan banyak :)
Me and my twin. Kami banyak makan, kami makan banyak ๐Ÿ™‚

Ini juga salah satu ulang tahun selama gue kuliah dimana gue paling banyak dapet kado, senangnya….

Monce gave me a New York keychain, a Smithsonian postcard, and a Harvard folder. It was very sweet that she purposefully bought all these things in the hope that I’d return to US someday :’) Amin amiiinn!

Monce gave me a New York keychain, a Smithsonian postcard, and a Harvard folder, in the hope that I'll return to US someday :') Amin!
USA!!

Mbadit gave me something that she knew I most needed! Aaaaaaa! I’ve been fretting about not having a scheduler/agenda since that Morning Glory scheduler of mine was contaminated by Aspergillus niger 1 month ago… Plus, she wrote this for me. Isn’t it touching that someone actuallyย writesย for you in your birthday? I found this piece very honest and for some reasons… I felt really honored :’)

The super cute scheduler
The super cute scheduler

Sapy surprised me today by a visit to my campus. She’s just got back from London and I was so touched that she were willing to spent some of her time as a busy medical student to gave me presents. And I got my first 2013 birthday cake from her! Thank you! ๐Ÿ™‚

Earl Grey English Tea, magnet, and a birthday cake!
Earl Grey English Tea, magnet, and a birthday cake!

 

This year I also got a lotย of birthday messages and wishes. I’d like to put all of them here,ย as a reminder that if I ever get down and feel like I’m nothing, I have to remember that there are many people out there who actually care for me. And these are the people of whom I wish nothing but the best.

I’ll only put the text messages and tweets here. The Facebook messages are just too many to put, but that doesn’t make me love you less if you happen to be one of the people who posted at my Facebook wall ๐Ÿ˜‰

—————————————————Here they are: ——————————————————–

Monica Raphita Simarmata, 12:45 am

To my dearest kadiv galau yg super oke!
~~Happy birthday mawshmellow~~
Semoga di umur baru dirimu semakin dewasa, jadi calon istri kualitas tinggi, jadi ciwi strong oil&gas kualitas tokcer, makin sayang&disayang mama papa kakak dan teman2 :3, sehat selalu, and may true love, yg lolos screening administratif, engineer smart tegap minta dipanjat dan jadi calon ayah dan imam yg terbaik :3, find you at the right moment ๐Ÿ™‚ stay awesome, keep writing, shine (as in reflect light) bright like a diamond! semoga kita beneran sukses and arisan cantik pake hermes ori dr duit sendiri ya (atau duit suami jg gpp deh) amiinn. Hihihi. Xoxo, -monci-

Hanjaya Ekaputra @hanjayaekaputra
Happy birthday @marshafaradina! Lulus bersama, ringan jodoh, tambah cantik, sehat dan sukses selalu. WYATB! ๐Ÿ˜€

Arini Annisa @annisarinay
selamat ulangtahun smart girl @marshafaradina , may all your wishes come true, semoga dilancarkan TA dan jodoh ๐Ÿ™‚

Ria Ayu Pramudita @mbadit
Happy Birthday, @marshafaradina http://wp.me/p15zoS-7H

Denissa Pramesty @dangdenis
@marshafaradina happy birthday! Semoga interview hari ini lancar dan mulus seperti pantat bayi yaaa. Go get ’em tiger!

Nicholaus Prasetya @nichoprasetya
happy birthday @marshafaradina semoga dilancarkan semuanya dlam jodoh juga ya marsh ๐Ÿ˜€

Patricia Gabriella Stephanie, 6:49 am
Marshaaa,happy buffday for you and your twin brother also ๐Ÿ™‚
semoga penelitian,rp,dan kompre berjalan lancar,karier ke depan lancar,dan cepet dapet gandengan ya…hehehe…
Gbu always

Priska Andini, 7:14 am
Happy birthday teman kesayangan sejak tpb!! Semoga kita tetap strong dan berhasil jd tulang punggung keluarga yaaa. Tetap berprestasi, cepet ketemu jodoh, lulus taun ini, dan sukses dunia akhirat. Amin. Muah :-*

Sawitry Apriati @ririanism
@marshafaradina happy birthday marsha cantik, cerdas, berbakat ๐Ÿ˜‰ sukses terus ke depannya yaaa

Cahyawardhani, 7:29 am
Marshaaaa, happy birthday dear! Give a gift to yourself by taking a very short break from all your busyness, you deserve it! May you be a kindhearted successful career woman and also a loving woman able to govern her house and family :p sekarang, cari suaminya dulu wkwk. Happy birthday!!!
Cahya

Putranegara Riauwindu, 8:20 am
Marrsh!selamat menempuh umur baru yaa, semoga cita2nya tercapai dan sukses TSSnya ๐Ÿ™‚

Made Ian Maheswara @ianmaheswara
@marshafaradina shaaa happy birthday yaa! sukses terus, cepat lulus, jodoh mulus, tetap berprestasi! ๐Ÿ™‚

Andy Wiranata Wijaya @ndy_huang
Happy bday paralel labtek 1 dan partner RP @marshafaradina ๐Ÿ™‚ sukses terus ya ๐Ÿ˜‰

Dewi Rakhmawati @kuudew
selamat ulang tahun wanita berprestasi @marshafaradina. sabuga menantimu juli tahun ini. hahaha. sukses sha!

Sugianto Vijayo @orange_gecko
*** nya gak usah sha:D HBDย 

Riska Ardianty @Riskaardianty
Slamat ulg taun u/ s kembar @marshafaradina & Mario yg luar biasa pintar..smoga kalian b2 cpt kelar kuliahnya,cpt jd org sukses!amiiinnn…

Bunda Wiwik, 8:42 am
Ass…wah hr ini si kembar ultah ya…makin dewasa usia .kalianย  berdua smoga cita2nya tercapai dimurahkan rejekinya dipanjangkan usiannya slu dlm lindungan ALLAH swa Amiin..

Elsa Yusra @elsayudhita
Happy birthday baby’s day out @marshafaradina! Semoga hadiahnya ke Paris mihihi ๐Ÿ˜‰ Go nail it today! :*

Reinhardt Albert Matondang, 9:25 am
Marsha happy birthday!!! Hoho. Gw ga ada semoga2an deh, lo udah maksimal bgt hahaha..
Oh! Jodoh hehehe amin amin.

Hans Becker @beckerhans
Happy birthday ibu kadiv humas tersukses @marshafaradina ! Semoga lancar lulus, karir, dan yg terpenting jodoh. Hahaha.

Rinna Santi Sijabat @rinnachan
happy birthday my intern partner @marshafaradina . Enteng jodoh, mudah lulus!

Angga Permana Putra @angga_k46
Selamat mengulang tanggal lahir @marshafaradina , buat @rinnachan jangan lupa oleh2 nya… hihihihihi… :))

Ayah Farhan, 10:09 am
Eii…ultah ya kalian? Selamat ultah ya…. Smg sukses semua anak2 ya…

Fatika Ellena @tikaa_ellena
RT @rinnachan: happy birthday my intern partner @marshafaradina . Enteng jodoh, mudah lulus!

Dwi Sasetyaningtyas, 11:01 am
Massswh selamat ulang tahun yaaa semoga makin ga galau dan ga panikan makin tua gini hehhe makin dewasa dan sukses terus, smg TSS nya jg tembus dan gw dpt oleh2 wakakak. Maap baru ngucapin gwnya aja baru bangun hehehe

Iva Rofiatun Nisa A @azzahraiva
Hei hei @marshafaradina. Kenapa baru 21taun sh? -,- haha selamat ulang tahun marshaaa..semoga sukses selalu dan makin bersinar ya!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Anastasia Ratna Wahyu Wijayanti, 11:10 am
Maaarsh, happy birthday ya! Ya ampun sesi karoke wkt itu udh setaun lalu. Ga kerasa. Anw, semoga panjang umur, TAnya lancar, jodohnya pun enteng. Amiiiiiin

Sasfia Candrianita @sasfiasapy
@marshafaradina Happiest birthday to my happy chum! Better, wiser, stronger yaa โ™ฅ Lancar TA, rancang pabrik, rezeki dan jodohnya. Aamiin o:)

Nabilla Tamimi Yacob @nabillayacob
Halo dua wanita sukses @nursitas & @marshafaradina Selamat ulang tahun! Semoga tetap sukses dan bahagia selamanya โ˜€

Venny Septiani @vennyyseptianii
HBD girls @marshafaradina @karmel_se7en. smoga makin sukses yaa semuanyaaa ๐Ÿ™‚

Ahmad Faris Arifin @farifin
eh pibersday yo @marshafaradina semoga cepat lulus dan segera menemukan tambatan hati. eh, apa udah? #kode

Nindya Ratna Sari @nindyaratna
Happy bdaayy marsh!! Haven’t seen u in ages ๐Ÿ˜ฆ missyou, have a blast!! Xo @marshafaradina

Mario Kristiono @mariokristiono
@marshafaradina kak wish you a very merry birthday! May you stay humble and kind to all! Be blessed in everystep u take ๐Ÿ™‚

Indy Cesara @indyces
Hepy bday my mate @marshafaradina and her twin brader! Wish your test today got the best result! And your twin brader be the best doctor in Bandung! *cup cup muah muah*

Catelya Raesita @catchcathy
Happy birthday @marshafaradina ๐Ÿ˜€ Semoga yg dicita2kan terwujud: karir sukses + dapet suami idaman ๐Ÿ˜‰ Strive higher, mawsh! God bless :*

Hilda Rizkia Zahra @hildot
happy birthday @marshafaradina ๐Ÿ™‚ sehat selalu, keep humble, keep inspiring, selalu ceria dan bahagia, dan cita2nya tercapai :”))

Manda Fadiyah, 6:08 pm
Marshaaa Happy Birthday yaa sayaang :* semoga makin cantik, makin sukses, dilancarkan segala urusannya, dan cepet lulus amiin O:) salam juga ya buat mario selamat ulang tahun haha.

Diedra Hapsari, 7:17 pm
Mawsha baby, selamat ulang tahun! Semoga segala urusan lo dilancarkan dan dipermudah. Kecup hangat :*

Egalita Irfan, 7:42 pm
Katrinaaaa happy birthdayyyy! Semoga sukses terus, skripsi lancar, jodoh enteng, sehat selalu, tinggi IPnya! Haha amiin. Kangen ihh. Gmn udh siap2 mau lulus? ๐Ÿ˜€

Andita Paramitha Putri, 8:01 pm
Omg marsha bunny I haven’t said anything today o_O Otanjoubi omedetooooou X3 May allah give you all dbest like he always do ๐Ÿ™‚ hug and kisses~

Rizki Putri Andarini @13009089
Happy belated birthday @marshafaradina Have a blast year ahead, tie your knot soon and become even more successful than ever

Herditya Oktania, 8:11 pm
marshaa, happy bday yaaa.. semoga sukses terus dan semua impian2 km tercapai. semoga jodoh km segera datang jg yaa ๐Ÿ™‚
all the best sha

Devina Jonathan, 8:44 pm
Aaaaaaa kak maaawwwssshhhh.. Ternyata dirimu ultah hari ini. Happy birthday yaaa!! Maaf telat hiks”.. Semoga sehat selalu, penelitian dan rp nya lancar, cepet lulus, cepet dapet jodoh, nikah, punya keluarga bahagia. Hehehehe..
All the best for you ya kakkk!!
Anw, good luck juga buat total summer school nya ๐Ÿ™‚

Clarissa Olivia, 9:03 pm
Kak Marsha, happy bday yaaa ๐Ÿ™‚ panjang umur, sehat selalu, sukses mjd process engineer yg handal ๐Ÿ™‚

Kakcak Angga, 9:16 pm
Untuk si kembar…selamat menempuh umur baru ya kalian..
Kakcak selalu berdoa smg kalian selalu sehat, dan selalu dalam lindungan-Nya. Semoga selalu lancar semua usaha kalian dalam meraih apa yg diimpikan..
Selalu semangat and congratulation ๐Ÿ™‚

Gladys Brigita Manihuruk, 10:24 pm
Happy Birthday my dearest Marsha! Long live and prosper. Sukses ya kuliah dan cita-citanya. God blessss ๐Ÿ™‚

Louis Aditya Prasethio @louis_prasethio
Happy birthday to @marshafaradina! Sukses terus, ibu trainer HNMUN 2012 tercinta, hahaha! Reach you dreams and be graduated in June! :))

Vicario Reinaldo @vicarioreinaldo
@marshafaradina happy b’day marsh!semoga tidak lagi kebanyakan galau…sukses TA dan kompre yaaa

Winnie Sapitri Tandri Alia @wiinniee
@marshafaradina HBD sha..saksess dunia per-tingkatakhiran-nya.lulus di bulan yang diinginkan ๐Ÿ™‚

Ajeng Rachmadiary @rachmadiary
@marshafaradina HBD mawsh! I wish not just today,but everyday of ur life is filled with joy,wide smiles,bear hugs and sincere friendships โค

Siti Nuraisyah @sitinos
@marshafaradina apaan marsh, tss? anywayyy happy getting older day! have a very blasty blast this yeaar :-*

Hugo Soegiri @haculi
semua yang nyelamatin @marshafaradina selalu menjurus k jodoh, semoga cepat bertemu tambatan hatii

Dennys Victor Kapa @DennysKapa
Happy bday dou itb @samiasafa & @marshafaradina. Wish u both all the best in life. May happiness be forever on your side

Farouq Arifin @FarouqArifin
@marshafaradina HBD kak marsha kadiv yg superr!! smoga RP,penelitian & segala urusan lancar slalu & cepet dpt jodoh biar gak galau trus #ups

Ua Nan, March 6, 4:42 am
Marsha ,Selamat Ulang thn ya kemarin.Semiga sehat bahagia mulus an lancar kuliahnya.Kapan wisudanya

Safira Lazuardi Vijaya @saflv
Seharian ama @marshafaradina kemaren, ternyata doi ultah brooooo. Maaf ya say, happy belated bday :*

Kharisma Leader Sinaga @Kharismaleader
@marshafaradina happy birthday sha. sori telat

 

Thank you very much, everyone!ย Semoga umur yang baru ini memberikan perbaikan di setiap sektor kehidupan.ย Selamat malam! ๐Ÿ™‚