Sometimes, love is indeed an irony.

What’s with all the relentlessness, only to find that the significant other never feels that you’re equally significant? At the same time, other people (Gosh, maybe even more than one) are fighting for your attention, but those are unwanted ones you most likely will dismiss?

What’s with the saying about I’m hurting and that broken heart is real, while I’m out there on the market, breaking hearts, mending others? What if I was the reason behind someone’s tears just like how several people have been the reason behind mine?

What’s with all the drama that we humans love to make and be involved in, because we like the idea that prince charming can be real. Why do we love to be flown to the kingdom of dreams even if in the end we certainly know that we have to fall from cloud nine?

I’ll never understand the complexity of love and the interaction between people who strive for it. That I love him but he doesn’t love me in return. That he loves someone else and that someone else doesn’t love him the way he loves her. That I love him and someone’s in love with me, but I won’t love him in return? This vicious circle, and only in a very rare situation do two people can love each other.

What’s with all these blind bravery that people have when they feel that classic “butterflies in your stomach”? Why do we risk our hearts being broken? Whatever small the possibility is, we still want to try. We take risks. We take measures and we’re ready to fall. And hurt. And break. And move on.

What if going with the flow doesn’t last forever, because at one time, someone can be a friction?

What’s with all these irrelevant facts that we twist in our heads, just to make the situation seems better than they actually are? Why, quantitatively, that someone’s “Hello” becomes any different from other people’s “Hello”? How can some particular people be automatically labelled as important when they have done nothing important in contrast?

Love is indeed a dynamic system. And that’s the problem with dynamic system — unlike steady-state condition, the process control becomes very difficult. You have to betray the simple laws in idealized assumptions. There’s no zero besides the equal sign. Instead, there’s the derivative. The problem with the equation of love is that it’s not a simple calculus of heaven and hell. There’s no right or wrong, and everything seems to be blurry and become the in between-s.

What I hate most about love is not the fact that I’ve been hurt, or been single for years after my last break up, or been rejected or even lost some parts of myself in the journey. The thing I hate most about love is that it’s awfully uncertain and important at the same time. This is a variable that you’ll depend your future plans on. Other variables may vary, but this one needs to be fixed.

Most of the time I don’t like surprises. I like a planned life and clear goals and concrete measures. But no matter how many awards and honors and achievements I’ve made, something is missing in the equation. Something always stops me somewhere in the calculations. And that, my friend, is the thing I have no idea on how to attain.

Author: mfaradina

An Indonesian. A reliable realist outside yet a romantic dreamer at heart.

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