If there’s something I’m grateful for having in this early 2014, it’s the nudge and realization that we eventually do need to let go of some things, people, feelings, and memories.
There’s a constant regret that I always have ever since that happened. I might even go as far as saying that it was one of the biggest regrets I’ve had in my life. So far, I have no satisfying closure. I only do what I could do best: to show the world what they’re missing. It’s my only panacea to the wound that cannot be healed.
I was always in a constant denial when it comes to this particular matter. And in case you wonder, it’s not about romantic relationships. But it hurts. It still hurts, like an incarcerating cage of guilt that follows you around. Some scars here, some bitterness there. There’s a wish that I wished would be granted, to turn back time, to clarify, to explain the complete story, and to take back the privilege that was once mine.
After the discussion, I asked, “So you agree then, that I have no chance to come back and start again?”.
The answer was clear. No. I don’t have that chance. It’s been a saturated situation, and going back is not a viable option.
But there are people out there who had no prejudice against me, from the start. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to do those stupid things. It was a chaos, where endless tantrums were thrown. I know it was a mistake, but shit happens, and life sometimes gives us its lessons through the harsh way. The silver lining was pointed out by both parties: I expanded my acquaintances, I learned to dive into a lot of exciting things, and I tasted the other parts of life I might wouldn’t have done unless that happened.
Maybe some things fell apart so other pieces could start assembling better things in the same place.
“You can’t make all people love you. Selalu akan ada orang yang mungkin gak bisa dibikin suka sama lo. Yah tapi liat aja Marsh… segitu banyaknya lo dapet bunga sama hadiah waktu wisuda, itu nunjukin banyak yang sayang sama lo kan. Banyak orang yang udah lo jadiin temen selama lo di kampus ini. Mungkin kalo itu gak terjadi, lo gak akan punya temen sebanyak itu. Shit happens tapi yaudahlah”
There’s no better words for me than this quote below. This may be the time for me to let go of the thing I wish I never did. Maybe I have to let go of some parts of my life, just so I can live a steady future free of worries, while trying to reach bigger and better goals. Walaupun semuanya tetep kerasa perih. There are hopes and dreams that stopped blooming in the middle of time, that I cannot modify to be how I wanted it to be in the past.
Because… truth be told, what else can I do besides letting go?
People change, even the ones you thought you knew the most. And even though it hurts to see them go, you have to move on, for the memories are all you have, and things might never be the same.