The lowest low and the hardest fall.
and so I’ve posted in every social media channel I could think of. “Disappointed” is a total understatement, as I was in the mood of full refusal on accepting the unacceptable reality. Reality bites, but this time it bites hard enough to break a sea bank, or concrete walls, or an icy heart.
It’s hard enough to crush the sweetest cotton candy dream of my life.
And F***, it hurts.
Everyone told me that whichever way I chose, nothing would go wrong with my life. Every move I made would result in, at the lowest, good fate.
I guess that’s true. When you want everything — and actually have everything — you end up getting nothing.
Did I make a false prediction? I thought so. I’ve always been a person with full-fledged armor of back-up plans. I don’t believe in luck, lack of preparation, and coincidence. Everything is never abstract for me. But I did not, did not, take into account the possibility of losing everything in what seems to be a bad blackhole joke. This was the first time I surrendered to uncertainty, to take the advise of “ah, young, wild, and free!”, to buy the notion that uncertainty is not a myth, and to take “it’s time to make mistake!” for granted.
Did I regret rejecting offers?
Did I regret choosing the most appealing-yet-most-uncertain choice that I had?
Did I regret dreaming too high?
I did, in a way. But I did not, in a way… (well, if I can find something better after this).
But honestly, what’s done is…. done.
I managed to cry myself to tears until I literally could not cry anymore. Until I choke and dehydrated. Until I screamed like a crazy person and ran out of fence. Until I threw my phone and turned my room into a shrieking shack.
But I also managed to wake up at 5 after sleeping at 3. Went to office, did a job I dislike, and put up a nice pretty face with the same excitement I would show in the last few weeks. I managed to pick up my shattered heart, hop on to a plane, and single-handedly prepared for a corporate audit that was entrusted to me. Despite the grueling days and forfeited smiles, I managed to get compliments and turned the situation into something I was not really expecting.
That “You are new but you sound like an expert, what should we do to keep you here?” from the auditor and the boss was the acknowledgment I would like to keep as my panacea. Thank you.
I am hurt.
But what else do you think can I do?
People are going to hurt when it is time for them to be hurt. The world will keep on spinning despite your best efforts to stop. No one’s going to take pity on you, even when you feel like there is no other way to go.
It’s “every man for himself” world out there.
You can’t expect the world to wait for you. It’s you who should catch up with the world.
And that’s why I am going to pick myself up and assemble it back into the beautiful creature that I was made to be.
Because I am great. And I will not break because of rejections, bad luck, and pitfalls. I was the kid who got straight As in her whole 12 years of education. I was my mama’s shining daughter who beated her competitors. I succeeded in everything I did, and there is no reason for me to change that habit. I survived Chemical Engineering ITB, and it was in itself synonym with surviving life.
I never stutter. I awe people.
So watch me. Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim. I’ll bounce back.
Higher, deeper, with my head on the clouds and my feet firmly planted on the ground.