Of The Crumbled Hearts

Maybe the real reason why I stay single is because I’m afraid of breaking up. Afraid of the undone commitment and memories that bind. The feeling of being rejected and hurt. The nasty jealousy when finding out that he chooses other girl over me. The asserted compliance to ‘let him go’ and ‘as long as he’s happy’. The whole drama accompanying one’s lost love. And at the end of the day, the bravery and boldness when I have to hit the mundane finality.

The moving on.

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It’s amazing how internet makes it possible for strangers to ‘meet’ and ‘feel’ the same way.

I’ve just blogwalked and found a blog owned by an Indonesian young girl, one year older than me. Usual stuffs on a girl’s blog: friends, families, cafes, chit-chats, college life, boyfriend(s), etc.

I noticed that she made a lot of posts about her recent ex-boyfriend. In 20 minutes, I’ve known how she met him, how he confessed his love (the scene includes sitting on a car rooftop while watching fireworks on a carnival… ah), how she said they were like ‘the mismatch of each other’, the fights, and the painful break up (the boy did. She smiled and ran away before bursting into tears). There were also posts she wrote while seeing her ex with his new girlfriend and posts about how she couldn’t forget him.

I felt like reading my own story. Well, I think it’s the kind of similar pattern in having a relationship, right?

Reading her posts makes me think about my first serious boyfriend ever. My first serious relationship ever, perhaps. Because my love stories do not consist of many ex-es, almost all the boys in my life come and go. Some of them were serious but with alternate endings, some were just sweet flings, some were simply jerks, some actually dared enough to confess.

My first relationship didn’t turn out great. Much like the story that girl wrote in her posts. Met by chance, tied up by choice, separated by fate. Eventually, the most similarity I found in her writings is the same bitter feeling we both felt about our particular ex. Memories. Eating up any sanity anyone could ever have.

I think to myself,

Maybe the real reason why I stay single is because I’m afraid of breaking up. Afraid of the undone commitment and memories that bind. The feeling of being rejected and hurt. The nasty jealousy when finding out that he chooses other girl over me. The asserted compliance to ‘let him go’ and ‘as long as he’s happy’. The whole drama accompanying one’s lost love. And at the end of the day, the bravery and boldness when I have to hit the mundane finality.

The moving on.

I pray that someday, soon, I’ll find someone who loves me for who I am, who treats and treasures my heart like what that little downright thing deserves. And I hope once I find another someone, he’s gonna be my last. The place where my crocked soul finally lands, and I don’t have to once again set and sail.

Lesson I Learned This Summer – Part 2

I have a lot of options in mind: O&G? Petrochemical? FMCG? Consulting? IT? EPC? Entrepreneur? Et cetera. Those are just some of many doors opened to a Chemical Engineering soon-to-be (fresh) graduate like me. Lucky, eh? Directly proportional to the lifeless 4 years, I daresay.

What you want, what you need: what’s gonna be your bet?

What you want, what you need: what’s gonna be your bet?

Lesson #2: Future Career

What’s an internship without a glimpse to the future career? Yes, people. This Summer I learned deeper about the world I’m gonna deal myself with… starting from next year.

I have a lot of options in mind: O&G? Petrochemical? FMCG? Consulting? IT? EPC? Entrepreneur? Et cetera. Those are just some of many doors opened to a Chemical Engineering soon-to-be (fresh) graduate like me. Lucky, eh? Directly proportional to the lifeless 4 years, I daresay.

In this internship, I did a lot of self-reflection. What do I really want? What do I really need? What choice do I have? And to think about it, my goal to make this post is actually to make my readers think deeper into themselves: what are you going to do with your life?

Exactly what I did

Eventually, all along those self-reflections I feel that there are some points that need to be highlighted.

1. Passion

Look deeper into yourself and try to answer this question: what is my passion?

Simple, yet I feel that it’s very difficult to find the answer.

I’d really like to define ‘passion’ as something that makes everything related to it enjoyable to the one doing it. I think this is the best driving force to make a great choice of career. I asked myself a lot of questions about this: do I want a career in the city, or anywhere is okay as long as I can earn much; do I want a career that allows me to travel; do I want a career that can give me many training opportunities; do I want a career where diversity of ideas is respected and everyone has equal voices?

As a confused 20-year-old, I find this activity very enlightening.

2. Expectation

I don’t know about you, but my family has a very high expectation on me and my twin brother. A bit impolite maybe, but now I call and remind myself that soon I’m gonna be the money machine of the family. A sad truth, but there’s no way I could ever deny the fact.

My father’s paralyzed by stroke, a sickness that binds him to be idle at home. Sure, he needs a lot of money to stay alive. My mother has to work very hard as the sole breadwinner of the family, and she doesn’t earn much. My twin brother needs a lot of cash to be a medical specialist, and he still has a long way to go before having his own money or even finishing his education.

This makes my choice of career a bit limited. After making a list of ‘passion’, mixing and matching with the available choices of career, now I have to step back and remind myself that passion is not the only thing that I have to think about. More than that, I have to think about the fastest way to make my family prosper.

As a soon-to-be fresh graduate, ask yourself about the expectation that people put on you, and add this into your journey of deciding your future career.

3. Education

I hate to say this, but what I learned in this internship makes me realize that yes, educational background does matter in finding the best career. You may have heard some success stories about dropped out people who eventually become VIPs. In a less extreme way, you may also have heard about an architect who becomes the CEO of a top IT company, or a man graduated from an Agricultural University who is now very successful as a CEO in a multinational conglomerate company.

I adore those people. Yes. And I dream that someday I can be as successful as them, the top 2% of the people in this country. Influential and inspiring at the same time.

Now back to the education thing. I think no matter how limitless the possibility that this life offers, there’s a great deal of truth that companies, especially those who are related to specific areas, are more likely to hire people coming from the suitable backgrounds. At least that’s what I saw in my days as an intern. So yes, education matters, in a… I’d like to say, twisty way.

This picture says it all!

For now, I think those three are the top points that I constantly think about whenever my mind wanders to the realm of uncertainty (read: finding the best career path). Feel free to add if there’s any missing points. Soon I’ll be back with the 3rd part of my Summer Lesson.

Originally, this writing is longer and a bit different than what I finally decide to post. I feel that some of the contents are very personal and may not be wise to be accessible to public. Sorry.

Lesson I Learned This Summer – Part 1

Sometimes it takes losing what you had to realize that you were blessed. Why do we never know what we’ve got till it’s gone? I’ve never really realized that home is…that sweet, and family’s the most precious thing I could ever really have on earth. I thought about the life I was going to live in the next few years. I pictured myself being a part of that flood of human, trying to reconnect with the families they dearly missed.

Sometimes it takes losing what you had to realize that you were blessed. Why do we never know what we’ve got till it’s gone?

For me, Summer 2012 marks the first time being far away from home.

So this summer I have to do internship as a compulsory course from my major. In Chemical Engineering, all students are randomly paired and assigned to certain companies related to ChE. Students cannot choose which company they wanna have internship at, and with whom they wanna be paired. I know… *sigh*

Anyway, I was assigned to a petrochemical company in Cilegon, Banten. At first I was like, “okay, it’s just several hours away from Bandung, it’s still categorized as city, and I’m not gonna live in a jungle. Fair enough”. Well, despite the fact that I really really had problems with the place (endless 4-hours-in-average crazy traffic, overly polluted, high cost of living, barren roads damaging my laptop, blah blah blah I could go on and on), I learned a lot of things that I might not have learned unless I did this internship. And allow me to share it with you, dear readers.

Lesson #1: Home Sweet Home is Real, Darling

Don’t blame me for being overly sensitive about this. I’ve never been far away from home. I’ve been living at home since I was born and I’ve been mommy and daddy’s little girl for 20 years. Somehow, this internship makes me think about dad and the days when he was still a healthy man working in Jakarta. Actually, it makes me think about all parents in this world who have been living and dedicating their life for their children. I’ve never really realized that home is…that sweet, and family’s the most precious thing I could ever really have on earth.

When your ground’s shaking…

My first coming back trip was after 2 weeks living in Cilegon. I went to Jakarta with Arline’s car and got a “travel” to Bandung. In the last coming back trip before the last week of internship, I took a night public bus from Cilegon hesitatingly, for the sake of saving money. I had never been on a public bus before. The last time I took a public bus was when I was going to New York from Boston. Don’t ever compare this Indonesian kind of bus with the one I took in USA, which was a double-decker bus equipped with wi-fi. Hmm.

I was scared, totally scared inside that night bus filled with –what seemed to me— some random guys and older men with creepy smiles who jeered when I stepped my feet on the bus. I was so scared until I didn’t dare to talk to any stranger even when one asked for direction. So scared until I ordered myself not to sleep even for minutes. So scared until I had a lot of worst case scenarios running in my head. And finally, so scared until I did dzikir and read Ayat Kursi like they were my last breath. Laugh as you want 😀

As far as I remember, always in every coming back trip, in between the crazy traffic, I thought about the life I was going to live in the next few years. I pictured myself being a part of that flood of human, trying to reconnect with the families they dearly missed. Wherever they worked, weekend seemed to be the only last thing that could make them sane. And I think about it until now.

One night after struggling to get out of traffic and arrived home after midnight, I tweeted these:

  •  There’s something about normality that you miss. Something that you’ll never know you’ve got it, till it’s gone…
  • …and so here I am at home. Eight hours on the road seems like nothing, only to find myself sipping lemon&ginger tea, 2am in the morning.
  • It’s all worth it.

That was the day when I realized how… how I missed my normal life.

 

I don’t want that kind of life. I don’t wanna be far from home. I don’t wanna be the one missing mom’s-made-meal and be the latest to know what’s going on with dad’s medication or bro’s experience as a young doctor. I wanna go to cafes anytime I want, eat proper food, and drink smoothies whenever I want. That being said, I miss being teenager having less burden on her shoulder.

But during that time, I also realized that I had to move on. That I had to be ready to face anything in front of me. That I had to be ready to let go of everything I have got used to. Because how can I ever be someone who moves forward and thrives, when all I can think about is how I miss the chapters of life that I have to close?

 

The first lesson in this internship period teaches me to be grateful for everything I’ve had. I’ve taken my whole life for granted and once it’s taken away from me, I just have to adjust, like a fallen General making new strategies to defeat his enemies in the next war. Like Sun Tzu. A part of growing up, no matter how suck it is. No time for weeping, no time for whining.

For me, home has never felt this good.

First Entry: Twentysomething!

Some of you might’ve known my previous blogs: somenonsensewritings and irrationalrationality. These two are my dear kids who have gone through many ups and downs of my life ever since I started actively blogging. Actually, my first ever blog was named Bluevanilla. At times in the past, I was confused of whether or not I should stay at Blogspot or try Wordpress instead, so I made another somenonsensewritings in Wordpress. But I decided to delete the blog and stayed on Blogspot.

So why did I make this blog?

Hi! This is the first non-automatically generated post of this blog. Hehe.

Some of you might’ve known my previous blogs: somenonsensewritings and irrationalrationality. These two are my dear kids who have gone through many ups and downs of my life ever since I started actively blogging. Somenonsensewritings was born on June 20, 2008 and Irrationalrationality was born on February 14, 2009. Actually, my first ever blog was named Bluevanilla, and I made it when I was still in Junior High School. I’ve never made any post on it, and now it’s no longer accessible. At times in the past, I was confused of whether or not I should stay at Blogspot or try WordPress instead, so I made another somenonsensewritings in WordPress. But I decided to delete the blog and stayed on Blogspot.

So why did I make this blog?

I come to think of it and as silly as it may seem, I think I’ve found the answer.

This blog is a present for myself in my 20th birthday.

Wait, uh… a blog  as a present  for myself ?

I think I’ve made myself believe that 20 is a special age. I can no longer be a teenager no matter how hard I wanna stay in my teenage life — my age says it all. Now I have a lot more to think about the future, including scary things about marriage, career, and stuffs. I tell myself I just have to accept that sh**’s are getting serious, and I have to be more careful in planning my own life.

Blog has been an inseparable part of my growing self. My previous, but not necessarily inactive, blogs have helped me in channeling my emotions and they have been my savior for many times. With this blog that was born on March 17, 2012, I want to start reassembling myself in a way that I’ve never done in my teen age, including giving myself a new blog to post more thoughtful and mature contents. This blog is also meant for personal branding, the reason why I don’t invent funny and creative name for it.

So that’s all. Let’s see how this kid works and awes with its own wonders.

Meet the new baby!