Beyond Repair

It is one week before three years.

The last time I ever felt that deep, soothing, embarrassing, red feeling of non-quantifiable warmth seeping, like from afar, yet it inhumed every doubt I ever had in the past 548 days before. It was extremely delicate and light that seemed too perfect to be readily available by my very eyes. I thought that perhaps, the odds were finally in my favor… but what was ethereal, I learned, should be treated cautiously. If it was surreal, it was probably never real.

Of course it wouldn’t end in an Eden filled with blooming flowers and colorful leaves. Of course it was doomed. Of course someone ate the forbidden fruit.

Of course I was wrong.

Grief that was carefully concealed, moved to the land of possibilities. The entire performance was imbued with sparkle and elan, until finally someone needed a fresh air to breath. To think. To realize that the malefic seed was gnawing every last drop of confidence that was seriously crafted.

You can put faces outside, soaked in a beautiful blue lagoon, sip the finest cocktails, enjoy the most luxurious box of chocolates. But the hollow, the cavity, that concave little hole of shit, is not to be treated with a drugstore receipt. A profound understanding of why and how it happened, the consequences, the possible treatment, the alternatives, are to be considered in a well, thoughtful manner.

You could be ruined beyond repair.

Until the point that what was once nifty piece of work seems to be dull and outdated. The idea is obsolete. The people are assholes. And everything associated with this beautiful grace is in no way more than cock-and-bull story. It was magical, it is still supposed to be magical, but your senses are telling you that it is all unreal.

Roots of bitterness clasp you hard enough to break your conviction. That at the end of the day, the world is nourishing human loneliness. Just what is the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all in the pilgrimage of soul-searching, tumbled across roses filled with thorns.

Someone will be at the end of this tunnel, waiting to restore the belief that is lost, to show another person that love and compassion are still alive, and very much relevant. Everyone else is enjoying this sweet delicacy — it is not a privilege.

It truly should not be a privilege. It’s supposed to be a basic human right that is not too difficult to access.

Only wish for one thing: no more pyrrhic tales. Please. Make real-life halcyon days a reality.

Rest well, lovely souls. If I can, I will put you in my prayers. Good night.

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Everglow

 

You’ll never stop loving someone. 

Anyone who has carved their names in your heart can never stop being your someone special. There will always be something that reminds you of them. The particular way of how that person smiles. Their styles of writing. Their angles, habits, and behaviors. They change and morph over time, but there is always something that instantly piques your interest, whether or not they are the people you used to know.

Love is a powerful feeling.

So powerful until one dares to say that moving on is a myth. Or more precisely, there is no moving on from somebody. They live on in your life, more so in your memories. Affecting future decisions, emotional stability, and the way someone perceives the world around ’em. These particular people who have left our lives are the ones who leave their presence eternal — the ones who leave us with their everglow.

Let them go, you may.

Cherish the new people coming into your life. The ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. Time ticks and no one has got eternity for their sorrows at night. No one wants to dwell in the sea of torture for the rest of their lives.

But these people, though they might be gone,

The light that they left us will everglow.

“The light that you left me will everglow”

 

 

Belajar Ikhlas

Bukan, gue bukan mau sok-sok alim edisi Ramadhan. Bukan juga ngeclaim kalo hati gue sekarang udah bersih banget. No. Gue cuma mau nulis aja, ga lebih dan ga kurang.

(Btw, yeay for, finally, a post in Bahasa! Although I’m using everyday language, but still :P)

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Alhamdulillah kita masih bisa ketemu bulan suci Ramadhan lagi. Setelah ngalamin kecelakaan yang hampir fatal setahun lalu, gue jadi sadar kalo…. idup tuh pendek. Lo gak akan pernah tau kapan lo ninggalin dunia ini, jadi savor the moment sebaik dan sebisa mungkin.

Gue gatau kapan tepatnya, yang jelas rasa itu muncul di awal bulan Ramadhan 1436 H ini. Munculnya tiba-tiba. Rasanya…. sejuk, that’s the word. Kayak nyelusup masuk ke relung-relung hati, dan menyiram semua bagian hati gue yang tersakiti ini (haha). Gue senang bisa ngerasain perasaan ini, it’s like it glows inside me. Kayak pengharum ruangan yang ga abis-abis.

Sebelumnya gue mau cerita kalo di tahun ini, gue putus sama mantan pacar gue. Di saat yang sama, gue juga memulai hidup baru dengan pekerjaan baru yang alhamdulillah lebih enjoy dilakuin. So it’s like a battle of contrasting feelings. Kadang gue seneng apalagi tiap abis liat slip gaji (hehe), tapi juga kesedihan yang gue rasain kok kayak gak ilang-ilang. Mungkin karena gue putus baik-baik. Gue dan mantan gue cocok dalam banyak hal, tapi orang tuanya emang ga suka sama gue, for some illogical reasons. Beneran illogical. Ya lo kata aja dah nama lo beserta tanggal lahir dan hari lahir dibawa ke kiai-kiai entah darimana terus semua bermimpi kalo lo dan orang itu “jika bersatu akan menimbulkan perpecahan”. Semua mimpinya seragam. Emangnya film layar tancep apa. Dan alasannya cuma karena itu, walaupun gue yakin sih ada alasan-alasan lain yang lebih materialistis. Yaudalah ya.

Terutama tiap abis pulang dari rig, gue suka sedih. Ketika lo capek abis berkutat dengan matahari 38C dan jalanan hutan sawit yang harus dilewatin dengan 4WD, normal kan kalo lo pengen disayang. Jablay ye. Di saat-saat kayak gitu gue suka nyalahin Yang Maha Kuasa kenapa mempertemukan gue dengan orang yang baik tapi dipisahin lagi. Like, apa sih salah gue, berapa kali ketemu orang bisanya cuma jadi “mantan” (baik mantan kekasih maupun mantan cem-ceman, hahaha!).

Terus soal kerjaan.

Dalam beberapa hal, ada aja yang ga sesuai sama ekspektasi gue. Gue ga bisa bohong kalo kerjaan kayak gini itu butuh mental yang lebih kuat daripada gue yang kemaren-kemaren, yang bisanya menye-menye dodol nyusu sama emak. Tapi yang bikin gue kesel sebenernya bukan itu. Gue sebel karena gue ga bisa menjawab pertanyaan,

Quo vadis?

Mau kemana?

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Gue tuh selalu punya rencana. Selalu. Dan rencana gue selalu konkret, ga pernah abstrak. Gue anti banget sama yang namanya, “Yaudah jalanin aja”/ “Go with the flow”/ “Biarkan air mengalir”. Zzzzz. Gue ga suka jalan-jalan random, nyobain menu baru yang tampak aneh, beli tiket pesawat go show, apalagi gambling sama yang namanya takdir. Hidup gue tuh harus berjalan sesuai plan A. Untuk mencegah segala deviasi, gue bikin plan B, C, D, E, F, sejauh mungkin kemungkinan yang gue bisa pikirkan.

Ketika lulus kuliah, semuanya terbentang di depan mata gue.

Pas SD, gue tau harus masuk SMP 5. Abis itu gue tau harus ngejer SMA 3. Abis itu gue harus masuk ITB. Abis itu gue harus masuk Tekim. Abis itu gue harus dapet G*n*s*a P*ize (alay nulisnya haha!). Abis itu gue harus masuk oil&gas sesuai amanah nyokap gue. Terus?

Sumvah ya, kalo ada satu hal yang harus gue pelajarin, itu adalah career planning. 

Makanya gue bete. Karena saat ini ga ada yang bisa direncanain. Your career changes everyday, apalagi di industri serba dinamis ini. Dan gue juga harus inget, sekarang gue gak cuma bawa diri gue sendiri kalo mau membuat keputusan. Ada keluarga inti, extended family, dan nantinya suami-anak.

Di sini nya sendiri, gue juga gatau ke depannya gimana. Karena gue cewek, pasti ga bakal lama di lapangan. Terus gue jadi engineer di kantor. Terus?

Pertanyaan-pertanyaan seperti, kapan ya bisa S2. Aduh tapi siapa yang mau rekomendasiin, siapa yang mau biayain, abis S2 gimana caranya cari kerja lagi, kan gue masih cupu pengalamannya? Kapan ya bisa nikah. Aduh tapi siapa yang mau gue nikahin, jodoh aja entah dimana. Kapan ya punya anak. Aduh gimana ngurusnya kalo gue kerja.

Jiiirrr, ga ada banget nih yang bisa di planning?

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Kembali ke cerita gue di awal tadi, tentang si rasa sejuk.

Karena segala macem pikiran ini, gue jadi ribet. Suka mumet. Suka bete. Kalo shalat maunya cepet-cepet. Dan suka nyalahin keadaan. Sampe di suatu hari, gue udah nyiapin suatu presentasi, terus dibatalin, padahal gue udah bela-belain ga ke rig seminggu demi itu presentasi.

Gue bete sepanjang weekend. Terus gue nangisin hubungan gue yang putus lagi (karena rasanya pas lagi kayak gitu pengen cerita sama orang yang bisa gue hubungin kapan aja, yaitu supposed to be pacar). Puasa, niatnya sekenanya. Shalat, pokoknya I murmured some words from my mouth. Gue nangis-nangis and I didn’t answer calls from my worried mom.

Tapi di suatu titik, gue ngerasa energized. Ngerasain si rasa sejuk itu. Rasanya kayak…………

I don’t know man, it’s peaceful.

 

Sejak hari itu sampai detik ini, gue lebih banyak ketawa daripada nangis. Gue bilang sama nyokap, “Mulai sekarang aku mau ikhlas aja. Capek udah. Ada yang udah ngatur takdir yang terbaik buat aku. Yang penting aku berusaha sebaik-baiknya sama yang aku punya sekarang, sisanya aku banyakin berdo’a aja”. Nyokap gue lega banget.

Sekarang, setiap gue sedih karena putus, gue challenge balik. Emangnya gue bakal bahagia kalo diterusin hubungan kayak gitu? Emangnya gue bakal bisa berumah tangga adem ayem kalo camernya hesitate begitu? Emangnya cowoknya bakal fight buat gue? Jawabannya, big big no. Jadi mending diikhlasin aja. Belum jodoh. Tetap menyambung silaturahmi. Cari orang lain yang lebih baik.

Ketika balik di rig capek ga punya pacar, gue tetep sedih, tapi abis itu gue ngingetin diri sendiri. Dia yang sebenarnya tidak akan pernah ragu. Belum datang, masih di jalan. Cara ketemunya, ya gue perbaiki diri. Tambal sana-sini. Aktif usaha juga nyari. Jadi calon istri dan ibu yang baik. So great sampe ga ada yang bisa nolak, hahaha! Dan juga, kata temen gue ketika gue ngeluh ga ada tempat ngadu,

“Ngadu ke Allah aja, selalu bakal ada buat kamu” :’)

Ketika gue ngerasa ga puas sama kerjaan, gue nginget masa-masa gue capek kerja di company lama. Sakitnya dicampakkan Belanda. Impian yang gue raih dengan susah payah dan hancur begitu aja. Di titik dimana udah ga bisa ngapa-ngapain selain pasrah, se helpless itu. Sekarang gue udah kerja di oil&gas, bisa bantu orang tua, banyak ilmu yang gue dapet, banyak temen yang baik. Walaupun gue ga bisa jawab abis ini mau kemana, tapi ada baiknya ikhlas aja terima apa yang ada, sambil mengusahakan yang terbaik dengan apa yang gue punya.

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Alhamdulillah.

 

Gue gatau ini perasaan bakal bertahan sampe kapan. Tapi saat ini gue cuma bisa bersyukur. Alhamdulillah. I’m so damn lucky compared to banyak orang di luar sana. Kalo gue cuma liat ke atas terus, ga akan pernah selesai masalah gue seumur hidup. Gue harus belajar ikhlas. Belajar mensyukuri nikmat. Dan belajar untuk menjadi manusia yang lebih baik. 

 

Have a great day, everyone! Selamat menjalankan ibadah puasa. 🙂

 

 

Love,

M

“Find Your Nest Before You Fly”, Disencouragement, and Other Dilemmas

In my 2nd year of elementary school, I punched a boy in front of his mother because he mocked me. When I was criticized of my behavior as “not appropriate for girls”, my 8-year old’s words were clear and sharp:

“Emang kenapa kalau aku cewek?”
(“So what if I’m a girl?”)

To think about it, gender issues have always been something I constantly yearn to learn more and be aware of. As a little kid, I grew up alongside my twin brother. We competed hard ever since the square one. I’ve never felt that I should fall short behind him. I could be as good in school as any other boy could be. But as early as in my adolescence, I started to bombard mom with (the inevitable) question of balancing work and family. Recalling the 17 y.o. me, studying for college entrance test:

Mom, suppose I can get into that top engineering school and be a CEO… (At that time, a woman just became National Oil Company’s CEO for the 1st time in history). How can I be a good mother while working around the clock?”

My family didn’t know the concept of female corporate mothers. All mothers resigned when they entered the having-kids stage, including mine, who was once top-performer in a shoes factory. When asked why she gave it up,

I couldn’t stand having to silently took a bath in the morning so you and your twin would not wake up, scream, and beg me not to go. I wanted to see you two grow up in my own hands. Every day I came from work, exhausted, and asked myself why do I have to do this? While you were sleeping, I looked at your little faces and decided it was not worth it. So I quitted

 

I was petrified by her predictable choice.

 

I had always known where I wanted to go. My destination was always clear. Top schools. Best scores. Highest achievement. It’s been hard-wired in my mind to be the competitive, type-A personality that I’ve become getting used to. As a kid, teenager, and college student, it didn’t matter. It was good. Until one day, my grandmother came up to me months before graduation,

Don’t you think of searching for potential husbands? You’re surely a great young woman, but men are scared of you and your achievements. Don’t you think it’s time to slow down and get your friends match you up with someone? Find your nest before you fly, so you can always have a place to go back later on

At that time, I was the university’s Valedictorian, had two unsuccessful romantic relationships, and a dozen “barely there” love stories with various men, one of whom said to a friend,

She’s pretty and interesting. But it seems she’s just too smart for me?”

I gave up on finding any men worth dating. The lowest hope was Summer 2013, just in time when I met my last boyfriend. He was very supportive of whatever things I wanted to choose for my future, before the relationship crumbled because of some superstitious predictions by his conservative family.

Will cause a disintegration. Will not be good for him. Their future may not be good enough.”

With God’s grace, translates clearly into

“She’s too smart, successful, beautiful, dominant, and have such strong power to overshine our man. Forget her. Find another woman who is modest enough to be your bride. This woman is going to cook for you, have babies with you, and would not burden your life”

(Because, hey, no other reasons speak louder than that)

 

Which moves me into these questions:

  1. Why, are we women encouraged to reach high during our school years, if the end product will not be appreciated for any of her “superiority”? Why are “successful” women being socially punished?
  2. How do we, as high-achieving young women, find a spouse who would be supportive of our plans for the future, who would not be overwhelmed by our personal success, whose ego wouldn’t be “hurt”, and who would treat us as equal partners?

 

The “Having It All”

The mixture of being socially punished and too-late realization of self-worth creates this halo that errodes women’s confidence. The external pressure fractures our strongly-built bricks of pride in our own achievements. It’s sad to be the one who is trapped between the constantly escalating, incoherent expectations. Men never have to regret being who they are.

I’m now working as a Site Manager in a multinational oil and gas company. Now how’s that sound? For me, let’s be realistic:

  • It heavily minimizes the possibility of being paired with a man who earns less than me, and not working in Oil&Gas/any comparable industry as well. Even if we’re compatible, the families would squeak. The woman’s would encourage to find another man who “can balance you out” and “We believe there’s better men out there”. The man, unless he also comes from a wealthy or super tolerable family, would not completely be delighted.
  • Unless for some lucky exceptions to the rule (which actually happens, once in a while), the man would not want to see her woman getting herself dirty in a drilling mud with old guys as her rig crew. Trust me.

Eventually, the pressure goes on into the woman’s internal considerations. I’ve heard myself asking, and doubting:

  1. Why this heavily male-dominated industry? Why not a bright career in a big city, with malls just steps away and I can wear beautiful dresses and put on fancy make ups? “Because that’s what’s a woman’s supposed to do?”
  2. Do I really want to be the corporate leader, ah, do I have to be? Isn’t it enough just to be a regular worker, stuck in a non-existing career ladder….?
  3. I want kids, and I’m afraid they are not going to grow up as good as I expect them to be. When is the time to slow down? I know I’m ready to compromise if that’s what it takes, slow down my career for my gorgeous little precious, but when?
  4. When is the right time to get married? If I get married, can I continue working? Do I really want working, at all, after marriage? Being a housewife doesn’t seem to be a bad idea, either. I know a lot of women who are happy with that, and I’m happy for them too.
  5. Now, where do I find a man to get married with? I’m afraid of being single for the rest of my life. I’ve seen too many older women who haven’t been married, who are successful, who are lovely to be with. And I’m too afraid of how this society will perceive me if I am unmarried.

 

You may think I’m desperate by writing this.

I am, and I’m not afraid to admit that.

Because it’s too hard to be a woman in this 21st century, where you are expected to be too damn perfect in every aspect of your life. Those who have found her nest before she flies are so lucky, you should be grateful to have someone who wants to be your real partner. Those who can craft out their career plans clearly without having any doubt, ought to be thankful for their courage, because that’s what I’m lacking of right now. Those who cannot stop dreaming and reaching high because they are not afraid, are great, and I wish I could have that positivity.

But I’m inclined on the side that says this is not just me making up stories. These are real women’s issues that may have crossed their minds once in a while. I try hard to avoid saying this, but then again, we are just women. We want to be cared, loved, appreciated, and be heard for our own aspirations. We want to be free and be content with who we are.

Why, why is that too much to ask………..

A Realistic Take on Fairy Tales

As a young girl, I grew up with the notion that fairy tales existed. That someday a ‘prince charming’ would somehow come into my life and carry me away by his utmost perfection. A standard description of a prince charming was someone who had to be handsome, smart, wealthy, healthy/athletic, romantic, understanding, patient, kind, and……. Well, basically he possessed all positive adjectives.

This bubble of imagination was always further amplified by what seemed to be a never ending fairy tale feeders: movies that almost always had ‘happy’ endings, couples who were so good at faking themselves and made spectators thought that there were never any conflicts between them, magnificent weddings with meticulous ceremonies, and streams of ‘romantic’ pictures/musics/online posts/advertisements, etc.

We all grow up believing that fairy tales exist, that a person who will be a perfect companion with perfect qualities lives somewhere in this gigantic world full of secrecy and lies.

 

Don’t we?

 

I do.

 

I was a firm believer on fairy tales. I saw love as a purest thing a person can live with. I believed that love was never supposed to be a betrayer. That love, once found, would always stay: tested and true.

As I moved to being in my teens, however, I discovered that I was, indeed, not a princess waiting for her prince charming riding a white horse. As much as I wanted to stay firm on my fairy tale belief, there it was, the previously undiscovered territory: Rejection. Unrequited love. Tragic stories. The ‘long gone and moved on’. I did not comprehend, back then, that love could hurt someone so bad that he/she would never fully recover.

Moving on was never in my dictionary. The day when I woke up finding my first love was not in love with me was a hard slap. The first break up felt like a sharp razor blade. The first experience being cheated on was like a melted ice cream cake on someone’s birthday surprise. It was meant to be, it was meant to be, but the fact that separations are inseparable risk from being in love is a dormant beast waiting to be woken up.

It shook my belief on fairy tales. Forever.

As a young adult, I saw more inconsistencies. Like so many people who decide not to get married because living with themselves is just enough, and they are happy and content with that (and I’m happy for them, too!). Like how come people who have been in love for 8, 9, 10+ years could just break it off like no year has passed by. Or people who have just met for 1 month can somehow add longevity to their own tales and swear to God that they will forever live side by side. Or random stories of how people can just meet and tied up – dialed wrong phone numbers, saw a cute girl in a café, met in their first day of new job, watched same gigs together, greeted by old acquaintances, met in job fairs, match-made by friends or parents. Unbelievable.

And yet, people have got married for a lot less. High rates of divorce cases are solid proof that love does not always stay forever and ever. Somewhere along the line, it may transform into roses filled with thorns. There are also arranged marriages where two people who don’t love each other get married for the sake of various reasons – parents’ consent, cultural requirements, economic needs, or just plain bad luck. Surprisingly, some of these marriages survive, loveless perhaps, where their hearts are somewhere else, but survive nevertheless.

 

I’m now standing in the line of young adults going through someone’s wedding ceremonies. Watching their eyes glistening with hopes and dreams while holding their prince/princess charming’s hands, clasped together decorated with bouquets of flowers and streams of well-wishers. I am happy for them, of course. IMHO, one of the highest achievements someone can make is to succeed in finding someone who makes them brave enough to swear to God that they will protect, love and care for each other forever. Forever is a long time, but somehow they think it’s not long enough.

As a young adult, my views have shifted much. What I deem as ‘fairy tales’ are now different from what I previously assumed. I understand now that fairy tale is just that. That love is a raw emotion, adjective, noun, feeling, material that will always have its ups and downs. Prince charming exists, somewhere in this world, but with his own flaws and inconsistencies. He/she may or may not be good enough, or cause everlasting peace, but when the time comes to see deeper, they are indeed the perfect companion. All I need, and all you need too, is someone who makes us at ease. Whether or not they are charming is just another unimportant story.

After all, love is not always supposed to end up being buried side by side with funny sayings on the tombstones. Because there can never be someone who is perfect enough to be and to love another person – they are just there with different needs and have found contentment in each other.

I came to the conclusion that we make our own fairy tales. And when it comes to love….

Ah, je ne sais quoi.

Learning To Let Go

If there’s something I’m grateful for having in this early 2014, it’s the nudge and realization that we eventually do need to let go of some things, people, feelings, and memories.

There’s a constant regret that I always have ever since that happened. I might even go as far as saying that it was one of the biggest regrets I’ve had in my life. So far, I have no satisfying closure. I only do what I could do best: to show the world what they’re missing. It’s my only panacea to the wound that cannot be healed.

I was always in a constant denial when it comes to this particular matter. And in case you wonder, it’s not about romantic relationships. But it hurts. It still hurts, like an incarcerating cage of guilt that follows you around. Some scars here, some bitterness there. There’s a wish that I wished would be granted, to turn back time, to clarify, to explain the complete story, and to take back the privilege that was once mine.

After the discussion, I asked, “So you agree then, that I have no chance to come back and start again?”.

The answer was clear. No. I don’t have that chance. It’s been a saturated situation, and going back is not a viable option.

But there are people out there who had no prejudice against me, from the start. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to do those stupid things. It was a chaos, where endless tantrums were thrown. I know it was a mistake, but shit happens, and life sometimes gives us its lessons through the harsh way. The silver lining was pointed out by both parties: I expanded my acquaintances, I learned to dive into a lot of exciting things, and I tasted the other parts of life I might wouldn’t have done unless that happened.

Maybe some things fell apart so other pieces could start assembling better things in the same place.

“You can’t make all people love you. Selalu akan ada orang yang mungkin gak bisa dibikin suka sama lo. Yah tapi liat aja Marsh… segitu banyaknya lo dapet bunga sama hadiah waktu wisuda, itu nunjukin banyak yang sayang sama lo kan. Banyak orang yang udah lo jadiin temen selama lo di kampus ini. Mungkin kalo itu gak terjadi, lo gak akan punya temen sebanyak itu. Shit happens tapi yaudahlah”

There’s no better words for me than this quote below. This may be the time for me to let go of the thing I wish I never did. Maybe I have to let go of some parts of my life, just so I can live a steady future free of worries, while trying to reach bigger and better goals. Walaupun semuanya tetep kerasa perih. There are hopes and dreams that stopped blooming in the middle of time, that I cannot modify to be how I wanted it to be in the past.

Because… truth be told, what else can I do besides letting go?

People change, even the ones you thought you knew the most. And even though it hurts to see them go, you have to move on, for the memories are all you have, and things might never be the same.

-Anonymous

I Want To Explore With You

Spoil me with words that only lovers can say. Greet me good morning to assure that you’re safe and sound. Let me imagine the days and nights that you have to go through, so I can get a picture of how to be on your feet. I want to know how it feels to be you so I’ll know how to treat you well. Let me be the one who makes your day brighter, because I want to explore with you.

Count the days till you’re finally done with work. Cherish the time when both of us know that meeting someone in person is always better than just having phone calls. Turn on the video while we’re waiting for that day to come, exchange pictures of our habitats, and keep on updating each other, because only then do two hearts feel that loneliness may just be a myth. Make me feel the breeze of sea and let me guess the turbidity of a swamp. I’ll make you feel this chilly weather and pouring rain, because I want to explore with you.

Let us glide away on soapy hills. Face the uncertainty, and fight for what we think we deserve. Let us be the people we want to see, and let those personas break the already built walls. Tell me your fears and I’ll tell mine, but move cautiously through the closing doors, knowing that enough is never essentially enough. Understand that our paths may cross, but be prepared to defend the values we both hold so dear, because I want to explore with you.

Come ride on trains with me. Revisiting the past is a key to have a full understanding of the present. I want to know why and how you become the person I know, and I want you to understand why and how I’ve become the person you adore. Dissolve me into the people you knew, because then I can expect to be the person they think will be the best for you. Be a person so great that I can brag about, and you’ll see why I turn out to be competitive. Maybe I’m a fast train going on a mountain, but fear not, because I want to explore with you.

We drop the words on chatting lines, or you versus me in a night. Maybe you and I say things we shouldn’t say and we continue to fight. If no one surrenders then we’ll not be satisfied. Don’t let the mist cloud our judgment, so please be rational. Know that when words don’t come out as it should, it’s not the time to leave. I will miss you, and you will miss me too. Don’t leave if you just want to leave, because I want to explore with you.

Do good deeds and throw away a decent celebration, before this grace gets too far and too hard to swallow. But don’t do so before I settled myself well and had the time of my own life. I will notify if my heart can follow yours, as I am a firm believer of age that breeds wisdom. I want a passion that plays before anything is taken into being institutionalized. Maybe we still need to figure things out and be true to ourselves, but either way, we’ll find the perfect time for a perfect match, because I want to explore with you.

I want to wear the colour I cherish when I feel like myself. I want to wear a smile that shines better than you could ever tell. You should not shiver on your sneakers if you treat me well, as I shouldn’t be the one who’s been unwell. I may or may not return to you, but if I can be myself without a thought of change, then at that very moment of day, you’ll understand that I want to explore with you.