Kecamuk

Terkadang keadaan tidak menyediakan ruang untuk alasan.

Mengapa selalu harus ada tanda tanya, jika titik koma sudah terlanjur ditasbihkan?

Ada daun-daun yang tertiup dan membawa seribu kata-kata.

Tapi rasanya sudah lama.

Lampu-lampu bersinar tanpa ampun. Cahaya yang terlalu terang, menyilaukan, membutakan.

Mungkin ada sesuatu yang hilang terbawa arus air kotor. Tertimbun dalam kubangan. Mengendap dalam pusaran kelabu.

Benarkah?

Alasan, aku butuh alasan.

Bukan kecamuk samarĀ yang tidak menuntun

siapa-siapa dalam gelap.

 

 

Moving Out

The thing about moving out to a new place is not only about having new life or new adventures.

It’s also about the realization that you’re going to leave your current self.

Some parts of you may change. Your heart may not be as pure, or conversely, you may see life in a better perspective. You’ll leave the ones who are dear to you.

You’ll shout out to the dreams you’ll chase.

You’ll shout out to the hearts you’ll break.

Small things like having breakfast together or arguing over who’s going to take a bath first may not be your everyday cliche anymore. The voices you always hear will be voices that you miss. Stains in your curtain, pastel pink color of your wallpaper, the jasmine smell in your bedroom, chilly air in the mornings, or the warm love through your dad’s palm when he touches your forehead every night. The annoying voice of your beloved mother will change into sob over the phone. Your brother is busy with his own life, but it pierces through your heart that you can’t play with his belly every time he comes back home. Your girls are vanishing into different parts of the world. The usual heart-to-heart chat over cups of tea is replaced by text messages and dull emoticons. You find yourself immersed in new circle of friends, once again trying to adapt with unfamiliar faces and situations, finding ways to fit in.

Moving out is about restructuring, reforming, refining, rediscovering, and reconstructing yourself.

You look at pictures of your childhood and be thankful for the stable and secure upbringing you’ve had through all your life. You look at Facebook’s 10th anniversary video and realize how much things have changed even since mere 5 years ago. You read some old books, writings, and trying to remember the feelings and friendships that don’t last since the last time you open those pages.

You wonder why.

Why change is the only constant. Why people, like trees, animals, and every living thing, have to grow up. Why leaving your nest of comfort is the only way to learn to fly. Why life is always moving forward.

You question hard.

And it strikes you that your dad has just eaten his breakfast alone today.

And your mother can only watch meaningless TV series instead of bragging about how misbehave you are.

And you curse life for bringing you this far. For its inability to freeze in one happy moment for the rest of your time.

But lastly, you pick yourself up. You remember the reason why all these things happen. You remind yourself of who you were, who you are, and who you want to be. Why you do not want to be a survivor, but more than that, a warrior. You shed your tears and remind yourself that in your heart of hearts, you’ve been preparing for this. You know you’re ready, more than anyone can ever tell.

You’ve got the right to remain here with those you love to the bone, but you choose the high speed chase racing down the street.

You then jump in.

With two feet.

To the dark and difficult times lying ahead.

You take risk.

Because who knows,

that those dark and difficult times may turn into becoming the best days of your life?