Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I’ve wanted to do an MBA since forever. I knew it since I was still studying in college, and that was a full 10 years ago. I experimented with different alternative pathways, but there was always this burning desire to actually do an MBA instead of learning from other sources. I bought a set of GMAT books in 2017, but year by year, this dream kept on getting delayed. By the time I turned 30 last year, I thought I’d never make it. I simply thought I was too old, too poor, too sick and too set on my career to do this.
So I want you to know that a few days ago, I received my equivalent of a Hogwarts letter:
I thought I’d cry when I first read that big “YES”, but what happened was I calmly went to the bathroom, took a wudu’, put my head on the floor and thanked Allah. There was this peace inside of me when I let my prayer out. The first sentence was a wish that this success does not make me an arrogant person. The second sentence was a wish that I could be of use to more people. The third sentence was not an ask, rather, an acknowledgment… of all the acceptances prior to this that led me to it.
Enter:
Act I: The One
I have a disease that requires a frequent trip to doctors, and every single one of them said that I should have kids ASAP to cure it – unless I didn’t want children, in that case I could do a hysterectomy to get rid of it once and for all. My confused, too-successful-for-the-average-Indonesian-Muslim-men-or-too-Islami-for-someone-from-other-countries-27 year-old-self #IYKYK was always a failure in the dating space. With all the advances that women make in terms of equality, it was sad to see the reality that few men embraced it (at least in this country). I avoided home at all cost; it was safer to stay away from the hurtful remarks of families and lived in my own bubble where I—unfortunately— spiraled into a depression that prompted me to search for ways to kill myself.
I truly let go of any marriage prospect when COVID-19 came. Like truly, truly let go. I overdosed on painkillers whenever the menstruation was too unbearable, but I mostly just accepted the fact that I might never marry anyone in my whole life.
I somehow met my husband afterwards. This person turned to be my biggest supporter to go for an MBA. Had he not convinced me to take a shot at this on the eve of my 30th birthday, I might have never been at this point in my life. I will forever be thankful for his reassurance, his moral support, and his belief in me- even when I didn’t believe in myself.
Act II: Money
I spend the majority of my monthly income for my family. I tell you, being a sandwich generation kid is an inflicted pain. There are always things that I need to be responsible for: countless doctor’s visits, labs, inpatients, medicines, my brother’s 6-year-long residency, food, restaurants, THRs, even extended family’s needs. There are too many things on my shoulder that, at one point, I stopped counting things out and cried.
Why can’t I be like other people? Why do I need to bear this cross? Why can’t I JUST THINK ABOUT MYSELF and ENJOY MY OWN HARD-EARNED MONEY?
There was a moment, close to the time when I met my husband, that I finally let go. Look at the bright side, I thought. I could go abroad so many times without even breaking the bank, because it was always paid by the company/conferences. I got Awards and Bonuses of monetary value. I kept getting raises when others didn’t. I was always self-sufficient somehow, never needed to pay minimum for credit card bills, never had to use PayLaters/loans, never starved myself. I didn’t have to pretend to have lifestyles I couldn’t afford. I had great co-workers who went to humble canteen for lunch, although I knew their incomes were $$$. The past 3 years, I could work in Bandung while having Jakarta’s salary. My wedding expenses were much less than the usual budget thanks to COVID-19 restrictions. I could still live a good life.
I accepted that my income was Allah’s kindness to my family that He trusted through me, so it was never mine in the first place. It made the regular expenses more bearable. Oh and I also got a full scholarship for my MBA, so that helps 🙂
Act III: The Disease
The disease haunted my life. At least 10-15% of my life is robbed by excruciating pain. I tried many things: anti-hormone injections, surgery, food restrictions, acupuncture. Until now I haven’t got rid of it. Doctors told me that I had a “very slim” chance of conceiving naturally. I hesitated to go for an MBA because I thought that I should have kids now before I became biologically worse year by year, but somehow that plan didn’t materialize.
There was a time when I prayed to be shown the right way. I explored many alternatives while had this disease on the back of my mind when weighing the possibilities. It turned into a promotion that didn’t happen, three attempts of moving to Dubai, a bubble assignment that didn’t continue into a lateral move, and lastly, the attempt to conceive that didn’t show any results. I was too afraid to delay yet another 2 years to have an offspring.
But now I’ve accepted that an MBA will not deter me from having kids at the right time. Going for an MBA makes me happy, living abroad with limited budget motivates me to cook more healthy food, so this will hopefully contribute to whatever plan that Allah has for my (future offspring, dare I say?).
***
I once learned in a meditation camp that the key to happiness is to accept whatever comes into your life. Accepting the duality of things: light and dark, life and death, happiness and sadness. Accepting the fleeting moments of being a Being, that we are impermanent, that nothing stays forever. I always thought that all these things were bullshit, but I’ve made some acceptances, and it led me to a better place in my life. Mentally, physically, financially. I really don’t know what the future holds, but what I do know is that I get this opportunity at the right time for me, and I will try to make the best out of it.
Life accepted me when I accepted it, wholeheartedly.