Dua Ribu Dua Belas

I decided to take the challenge on The Daily Post at WordPress.com: Just Do It! Iโ€™ll keep on posting things for the next 1 week, this is the seventh day. :)

As an annual special post for my blog, I’ve always written a reflection on the year I left behind. This year, I feel the urge to write in two languages: one in Bahasa Indonesia, and another one in English. I’ll write the English version tomorrow.

 

Dua ribu dua belas dimulai dengan pengalaman ketiga kalinya merasakan atmosfer internasional dan pelayanan kelas mewah. Untuk pertama kalinya saya naik pesawat Singapore Airlines, selama satu minggu dimanjakan oleh breakfast-lunch-dinner di hotel bintang lima, plus semalam di kapal pesiar paling mahal di kawasan. Vietnam adalah negara yang cantik, secantik kenangan yang dipatri di hati saya oleh Ha Noi, Ha Long Bay, dan 28 pemuda-pemudi Asia yang luar biasa. Pembukaan dua ribu dua belas yang ‘wah’ dilanjutkan dengan pengalaman mengasyikkan selama Kuliah Kerja Teknik Kimia. Walaupun keberangkatannya hanya berjarak 12 jam dengan mendaratnya pesawat saya di Bandara Soekarno-Hatta, kebersamaan yang tulus dengan teman-teman Teknik Kimia ITB 2009 sungguh sangat berharga.

Januari berlalu dengan menyisakan kenangan akan dua kegiatan yang tidak akan saya lupakan.

Februari datang dengan tantangan baru. Labtek 2 bersama partner saya, Okky, yang kemudian sekaligus menjadi ‘manajer’ bagi saya :). Di bulan ini, delegasi ITB untuk HNMUN 2012 berangkat ke Amerika Serikat. Di tengah labtek 2 pertama saya Kontaktor Gas-Cair, saya dilanda jeratan melankoli. Pernahkah ada rasa sedih yang berkepanjangan karena nostalgia? Bulan ini saya merasakan dua cabikan hati: saya melepas memori saya dan melepas mereka. 17 orang delegasi 2012 terasa lebih dari sekedar trainees untuk saya. Melepas mereka ke kancah pertarungan diplomasi membuat saya berpikir apakah saya sudah cukup bertanggungjawab dalam membekali mereka. Rasanya hampir sama dengan melepas tim yang saya latih di klub debat SMA dulu. Apakah mereka akan baik-baik saja? Karena ketika suatu ikatan telah terbentuk, tanpa sadar kita menjadi bagian dari mereka. Mengikuti linimasa twitter cukup membuat saya terhibur, dan tanpa terasa bulir-bulir air mata menetes di pipi saya ketika sebuah pesan singkat datang dari Amerika bahwa merekaย mendapatkan penghargaan di Harvard. Saya tidak peduli berapa jam yang sudah saya habiskan untuk berbagi pengalaman dan pengetahuan saya di HNMUN 2011 untuk mereka, saya tidak peduli semua perkataan orang yang meragukan tim yang saya latih, saya tidak peduli malam-malam di tengah labtek saat saya membaca position paper mereka satu per satu. Saya bangga. Saya bahagia menjadi bagian dari perjalanan mereka, dan perasaan memiliki ini tidak perlu resiprokal, cukup saya simpan sendiri. Tidak ada keharusan bagi mereka untuk mengetahui betapa berartinya mereka bagi saya.

Maret, bulan kelahiran saya berlalu dengan penuh tuntutan akademik, bahkan di hari ulang tahun saya, saya menghadapi modul labtek yang super kotor dan super kuli. April juga sama saja, dengan satu pengecualian: terpilihnya saya sebagai salah satu mahasiswa berprestasi Teknik Kimia. Penghargaan ini lebih dari sekedar piagam dan hard disk 500 GB gratis untuk saya. Penghargaan ini adalah pembuktian bagi diri saya sendiri bahwa saya tidak perlu berkecil hati walaupun bersaing dengan berbagai macam makhluk lebih-dari-cum laude di jurusan ini. Penghargaan ini mengangkat rasa percaya diri saya yang sudah terlanjur tenggelam dalam gorong-gorong labtek. Berkesempatan untuk bekerjasama dengan Hendra juga merupakan salah satu pengalaman tak terlupakan. Sampai saat ini, Hendra tetap menjadi orang paling inspiratif, paling sabar, dan palingย positive thinking yang pernah saya kenal. Mengenalnya secara personal tentu merupakan hak istimewa yang tidak bisa didapatkan semua orang. ๐Ÿ™‚

Mei menandai seminar proposal TA pertama saya. Setelah mengalami semua tekanan akademis di Teknik Kimia, mau tidak mau saya merasa TA ternyata tidak se-gelap yang saya bayangkan. Terbiasa dengan tuntutan tinggi dari dosen-dosen ketika pembicaraan membuat pikiran keinsinyuran saya terasah dan logika bisa berjalan di arah yang tepat. Belum genap seminggu setelah semester 6 berakhir, saya sudah harus berangkat ke Cilegon, tempat saya akan melaksanakan Kerja Praktek.

Juni dimulai dengan kehidupan saya pertama kalinya di rantau. Saya tidak bisa mengatakan saya menikmati kehidupan di Cilegon. Kalau boleh dikata, Cilegon adalah salah satu mimpi paling buruk dalam hidup saya. Di tengah rasa mual akibat jalan yang melebihi kora-kora, saya sering berpikir apa salah saya sampai harus berakhir di sini, untuk apa 16 jam labtek setiap minggu kalau ujung-ujungnya seperti ini. Tapi pengalaman di Cilegon menimbulkan kembali cinta saya yang mulai redup terhadap rumah. Memang benar, cinta bisa tumbuh lebih kuat saat jarak memisahkan. Saya tidak pernah begitu bersyukur ketika menginjak rumah jam 2 pagi setelah 9 jam menembus macetnya tol Cilegon Timur dan gemerlapnya ibu kota yang sadis. Saya tidak pernah begitu bersyukur makan masakan ibu saya, duduk di pangkuan ayah saya, atau bercanda dengan kembaran saya. Karena baru sekarang saya merasa, saya bisa kehilangan mereka, dan saya takut.

Juli dihiasi warna-warni wisuda dimana saya paling banyak mengenal wisudawannya. Menyaksikan satu per satu orang yang saya kenal mengenakan toga dan keluar dari Sabuga membuat saya sadar bahwa waktu saya tinggal sedikit lagi. Apa rasanya hidup di luar sana, kawan? Saya bahagia melihat senyum terkembang mereka di balik kebaya dan jas, tapi saya tidak bisa menyangkal rasa perih yang menggumpal di hati. Mereka akan pergi dari kehidupan yang saya kenal selama ini.

Agustus seharusnya diperingati sebagai hari kemerdekaan, dan seharusnya pula semangat kemerdekaan itu ada dalam diri saya. Tapi Agustus malah menjadi bulan penuh kontemplasi menguak berbagai macam pertanyaan yang tidak pernah muncul sebelumnya. Agustus adalah quo vadis-nya 2012 bagi saya.

September ditandai dengan awal semester baru. Saya bertekad tidak akan menyia-nyiakan satu detik pun yang masih saya miliki di kampus ini, sebelum semua keistimewaan itu direnggut dari saya dan saya tidak bisa berlindung di bawah embel-embel Ganesha lagi. Di bulan ini saya merasakan ikatan persahabatan yang jauh lebih erat dari sebelumnya dengan wanita-wanita Teknik Kimia yang cantik, kuat, dan pintar. Di bulan ini saya mengambil segala kesempatan untuk melakukan banyak hal: nonton konser jazz, mengikuti semua seminar yang mungkin diikuti, menghadiri semua rapat tanpa kecuali, menghadiri perayaan ulang tahun teman-teman saya. Saya sadar saya akan merindukan semua ini. Sangat, sangat rindu dengan semua dinamika kampus dan segala detailnya. September juga menjadi bulan dimana saya belajar mencintai lagi, membuka diri terhadap kemungkinan-kemungkinan yang ada, berusaha melupakan pahitnya kenangan akibat pengkhianatan dan dicampakkan.

Oktober datang dengan kesibukan UTS dan pekerjaan baru sebagai intern di T-Files. Dari sini saya banyak belajar tentang pengembangan bisnis, networking, dan tentu saja mengenal teman-teman baru dari jurusan lain (oh dan banyak sesi makan gratis). Mengutip tweet @indyces, “2012 itu: momen sedih & bahagia bisa terjadi bergantian hanya selang waktu beberapa detik. Benar2 tidak stabil. Peak nya bisa terlalu tinggi”, inilah yang paling saya rasakan di bulan Oktober.

November adalah bulan dimana saya menjalani tanggung jawab di Regional Future Energy Challenge dengan melakukan perjalanan dinas pertama saya. Misi diplomatik di Regional Symposium on Chemical Engineering membawa saya terbang ke Bali dan memberikan pengalaman baru. Kecakapan yang terasah dari kegiatan MUN dan berbagai acara bertaraf internasional membawa manfaat tersendiri: saya tidak canggung bergaul dengan orang-orang dari luar negeri. Sepulangnya dari RSCE, saya kembali melaksanakan tugas di Regional Conference on Global Environment. Di samping menjalankan misi, kedua acara ini juga membuka mata saya terhadap keprofesian Teknik Kimia.

Desember diawali dengan berita baik tentang kinerja saya sebagai Ketua Divisi Hubungan Masyarakat di RFEC. Hasil promosi dan sekian banyak e-mail yang dikirim oleh saya tim saya ternyata cukup membuat bahagia. Peserta RFEC tidak hanya datang dari Indonesia, tapi juga dari India, Singapura, dan Malaysia. Daftar negaranya masih bisa bertambah untuk lomba poster. Pekerjaan saya di RFEC telah melatih saya untuk menjadi pemimpin yang baik bagi anggota tim saya. Bagaimana mengatur pembagian kerja, memotivasi bawahan, menjadi tegas dan lembut di saat yang tepat. Desember juga merupakan saat digelarnya StudentsxCEOs Summit dimana saya terlibat sebagai tim marketing. Di bulan ini jugalah saya bertemu Mas Iwan Setyawan yang mengubah beberapa pandangan saya tentang tujuan hidup dan cita-cita. Desember juga berarti musim Ujian Akhir Semester, saat dimana saya betul-betul kurang tidur selama 7 hari berturut-turut. Perjuangan menyelesaikan UAS PPK selama 3 hari 3 malam bergelut dengan software HYSYS, variasi kuliah yang terlalu liar dari pemrosesan gas sampai manajemen proyek, dan kebersamaan yang manis dengan wanita-wanita kesayangan saya.

 

Dua ribu dua belas akan berakhir dalam sepuluh menit. Tahun ini mungkin bukan tahun terbaik saya, jelas tidak lebih baik dari dua ribu sebelas, tapi tahun ini adalah tahun dimana saya belajar banyak hal tentang cinta dan kehidupan. Tahun ini adalah tahun dimana saya mengalami quarter life crisis. Tahun dimana saya memberanikan diri untuk benar-benar berharap mendapatkan pasangan hidup di dua ribu tiga belas. Bukan hanya karena kebutuhan emosional, tapi juga tuntutan sosial. Tahun ini menandai masuknya saya ke gerbang kedewasaan.

Saya harap dua ribu tiga belas menyajikan perbaikan di setiap sektor kehidupan.

 

Selamat Tahun Baru 2013.

My Frequently Visited Websites in 2012

I decided to take the challenge on The Daily Post at WordPress.com: Just Do It! Iโ€™ll keep on posting things for the next 1 week, this is the sixth day. :)

So. I was a bit too curious to search for something that I almost forgot to blog today. I’m not gonna miss my chance of completing the challenge — it’s the sixth day now, yay! In the morning I actually wanted to write a long post, maybe somewhere along the line of ‘women empowerment’. I did also consider writing ‘why you should date a lady engineer’ but that may sound desperate, haha! ๐Ÿ˜€ Anyway, as I was busy browsing about this one particular subject (I won’t tell you what, but I assure you it’s been putting my analytical skills into test), my thoughts wandered through the end of the year and I decided to write about the list of websites I’ve been frequently visiting in 2012. Maybe you’re one of frequent visitors, too? ๐Ÿ˜€ Let the list goes on, then!

1. Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog
thoughtcatalog.com

As the “About” page suggests, it’s “a place for relevant and relatable non-fiction and thought”. Well I have to agree, for most part. Mostly I come to this site when I’m on my quarter life crisis or “why am I still single” mode on. It provides a lot of (yes, actually, relevant and relatable) articles for 20-somethings. My favorite author is Ryan O’Connell. He may write a lot of stories on what I’d call self-lamentation, but it becomes quite of a therapy sometimes. After all, it helps to know that someone or many other people in this world actuallyย doย feel the same way about particular things, and Ryan perfectly captures this essence in many of his writings.

2. 8tracks

8tracks is a “handcrafted internet radio”. Anyone, absolutely anyone in this world can make their own mixes of songs in this website. As long as you have Adobe Flash Player, you’re good to go. What’s interesting is that you can combine different moods and find the perfect mix for that particular time of the day. My favorite combination is ‘study+chill’, ‘sleep+relax’, or a simple word ‘broken heart’. Haha call me melancholic. I also learn to listen to non-mainstream artists by listening to the mixes, and it’s great if you want to tune up your musical reference.

My first favorite mix in 8tracks is this.

The Quiet Noise
The Quiet Noise

As for favorite mixes, I’m a fan of katies here. I think she makes great mixes that are just perfect to be listened to when I’m alone at night browsing through random things or finishing my college tasks. I’m listening to one of her mixes now actually. ๐Ÿ™‚

3. Skinnytaste

I’m not a good cook nor a good photographer, but all the recipes in this site is worth trying I think ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s good for a growing young adult like me to start caring about food that I eat, and Skinnytaste provides healthy and low fat recipes to begin with. Not to mention the photos are candies for the eye!

Yum!
Yum!

4. Her Campus

I’ve long resisted to buy pop-culture magazines at nearby magazine kiosks. Maybe because every single womanโ€™s magazine out there are plastered with advice on how to catch a man or horrible sex advices. Maybe I’m just searching for something between GoGirl and Cosmopolitan, as my age explains ๐Ÿ˜€ I’ve just discovered this website sometime before writing this post, but I think it’s fun. As the title suggests, the articles are written in accordance to the life of a college girl, so I can relate to its articles quite well.

Oh cute socks!
Oh cute socks!

5. WordPress

Well of course ๐Ÿ˜€ But being a recent blogger at WordPress, I came to understand why its different from any other blogging sites. I have Tumblr, but its filled with a lot of self-pitying posts I made for wasting time. You know, those writings about nothing but worth writing nevertheless. But in WordPress, I feel that this site accommodates my interest to actually write. Write something, write anything! Its “reblog” and “follow” features resemble Tumblr (actually I was a blogger at WordPress sometime in 2005 before these features appeared), but I have to say that the Site Stats, Freshly Pressed, Daily Post or Writing Challenge like this make WordPress stands out. This blogosphere simply motivates me to write, so thanks for that.

Freshly Pressed!
Freshly Pressed!

That’s all, top 5 of my frequently visited websites in 2012! What about you? ๐Ÿ˜€

Best Mother-Daughter Lines

I decided to take the challenge on The Daily Post at WordPress.com: Just Do It! Iโ€™ll keep on posting things for the next 1 week, this is the fifth day. :)

I love my mother. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve never had any quarrel with her. In fact, we had our major fight when I was 16. Our days are occasionally filled with sparks of arguments, including several days in this semester when I was having this neverending quarter life crisis.

Watching Gossip Girl Season 2 Episode 24, I have to say that these are the best mother-daughter lines I’ve ever watched in a film. I guess more or less I’m like Lily on this side, fulfilling the hopes and dreams of the mother, never had the chance to figure out what we really want in life, or even have the guts to do so. Slowly, I adapt those hopes and dreams that were initially imposed on me to be mine. They seemed to be obligation at first, but later on they become my personal goals. Nevertheless, one of Lily’s line comes as a slap-off for me and I just can’t agree more.

Well, I wanted to create my own destiny. But that would have meant losing you, and I was always too afraid to do that.

Cece’s line is also excellent.

What else does it mean to be a mother than to make sure that your child fulfills her destiny?

One of the most peculiar facts, tho, I’m pretty sure I want to mimic my mother’s child-raising method and implement it to my future children. I wonder if my future daughter and son will blame me for taking this safe side, but I can’t deny the fact that no matter how my mother hasn’t always done what’s best for me, I know she does that out of love.

I love her. I do. And I don’t want to love her less than she deserves.

Meanwhile, enjoy the whole conversation between Lily and Cece below. ๐Ÿ™‚

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

One of Those College Days

I decided to take the challenge on The Daily Post at WordPress.com: Just Do It! Iโ€™ll keep on posting things for the next 1 week, this is the fourth day. :)

Hi! I actually have no real idea on what to write today, but in the spirit of continuing the challenge, I’ll write nevertheless ๐Ÿ˜€

Today in the morning I had a quite pushing urge to eat Chinese food. Remember my last post? I did actually beg mom to cook for me, and she did! She was quite reluctant at first, but I guess I’m such a good daughter that she really couldn’t resist the request! ๐Ÿ˜€ So she made me Sweet and Sour Chicken plus a bowl of Cap cai with mushroom. Yummy! One of a child’s utmost happiness is when she’s able to eat her mother’s cooking that is made with pure love โค

Please welcome... dum dum dum :D
Please welcome… dum dum dum ๐Ÿ˜€

At around lunch time, I went to campus. Yes yes I know it’s holiday, but I still have some things to do. I started by submitting my Internship Report. Phew, finally! I had to submit two reports: General Report and Special Task Report. My special task for the internship was about “Performance Evaluation of Recycle Gas Compressor K-5601 in High Density Polyethylene (HDPE) Plant”. IMHO, my task is a bit more mechanical engineering than chemical engineering. I put a lot of mechanical engineering books in the reference section, I discussed with my friends from mechanical engineering background, and I went to my campus’ mechanical engineering department’s library to find appropriate books. In the discussion section, I tried to combine different terms from two different worlds: “…mixture of hydrocarbons bla bla… some solids in the composition bla bla.. can cause internal recirculation where the piston head cannot accommodate the flow… so the bearings must be bla bla…”. Anyway, I can’t say that I’m not glad having this type of task. After all, this compressor thingy made me learned about subjects outside my own major, but the basic premises and calculations were still based on chemical engineering design. So I did earn the advantage of multidisciplinary approach. Yay for that, compressor! Say hello to my baby report โค

(One of) My Internship Report
(One of) My Internship Report(s)

Some time after that, I went to Center for Energy Policy to do my responsibility as lecturer’s assistant for Industrial Waste Management course. Revised and gave scores for hundreds of exam sheets, but as what it has always been, I was given free lunch. The lecturers for this course have been very generous in terms of…fulfilling the assistants’ hunger and thirst, haha! ๐Ÿ˜€ We always had assistant meetings at Coffee Toffee, where Pak Tjandra and Bu Gelang would buy us any blended coffee we wish, plus whipped cream. Once Bu Gelang bought each of us Timbel Komplit at Ayam Tojoyo, another time Pak Tjandra bought us generous portions of delicious Chinese food for lunch, added with a big box of dried, cheesy Bakpia. Nyammm.

Done with the assistant thing. Next was lab! As a chemical engineer concentrated in bioprocess technology, my research involves microbe. Yaya. My research is about producing pigment (food colorant) from angkhak mold. Together with my partner, this is our 4th time trying to grow the Monascus mold successfully, after 3 times of failure. Please please Allah, let our Monascus grow beautifully and correctly. Amin. But the focus that I want to share is… the fact that we had the chance to be the first to try the new safety box! So this safety box is equipped with ultraviolet light to kill unwanted microbes, with special kind of glass and all. Ah, so happy! Sounds geeky, tho, but who cares. We engineers are cool B-)

Call me a happy lab worker
Tired lab worker trying to be happy

So that’s it for today. Me wanna go to bed, it’s midnight now. See you readers tomorrow! ๐Ÿ™‚

Favorite Food: Chinese Food!

I decided to take the challenge on The Daily Post at WordPress.com: Just Do It! Iโ€™ll keep on posting things for the next 1 week, this is the third day. :)

I’ve now been suffering from flu and cough for several days. As any other sick person, it gets quite tricky to feed myself. Meals don’t seem to raise my appetite, while in fact, I basically need more nutrition. Thus I come to think that maybe it’s time for me to eat something I really want, and to my surprise, Chinese Food is the answer.

According to Wikipedia, Chinese cuisine has a lot of overseas variations, where the style of the food is adapted to local tastes and ingredients. Obviously, my favorite goes to Chinese Indonesian cuisine. Maybe it’s because I have Chinese blood running inside my vein. There’s just something inevitably good about enjoying these savory rich dishes when I have to endure no-sleep-tonight exam days. Simply speaking, it brightens up the mood. Who could resist Sapo Tahu in a cold rainy day drowned under engineering books? ๐Ÿ˜€

Sapo Tahu

Another favorite of mine is Black Pepper Beef, but this one is a subject of compromise. So-so Chinese Food sellers cannot make good black pepper beef, so this often becomes my criteria of judgment. Of course, my mother makes it best โค

Black Pepper Beef = “Sapi Lada Hitam”

I also love sweet-and-sour food. I have an ulcer sickness so I often take some precautions before ordering this kind of food, but most of the times it’s okay. Sweet and Sour Chicken is my favorite. Chicken Pineapple with sprinkles of chilli is also great.

Sweet and Sour Chicken

There are other variations of Indonesian Chinese cuisine that I like, but for now those three are my most favorite. Aah I guess I’m definitely going to ask mom to cook for me today.

Have a merry berry holiday, everyone! ๐Ÿ™‚

On Loving More Than Being Loved

I decided to take the challenge on The Daily Post at WordPress.com: Just Do It! I’ll keep on posting things for the next 1 week, this is the second day. ๐Ÿ™‚

So let me write a piece about my most favorite topic: love.

People say I’m a hopeless romantic. Too many of them have associated my twitter as one top spot for being insecure about ‘love’. No, it definitely has reasons behind. I’ve fallen in and out of love too many times it almost feels like a little itch that I can’t scratch.

I always see myself as someone who loves more than being loved. I often care too much about what people feel, and I end up sacrificing my own feeling or tell lies or keep on blurting sweet words just to make them happy, even to the people I loathe. I can’t stand making people hurt by frank expressions. I keep on having safe distance and let the hurt eats my own heart. As long as they’re happy. At times, I can only wash away the fact that the people I care don’t care about me. They just don’t. Often, at the end of the day, I can only accept the fact that I give too much love to the people whom actually don’t deserve it.

Same thing goes to the men I’ve met in life and been romantically intertwined with. I still love, even when I know they don’t. A lot of people have expressed their concern on how I can’t stop pitying myself over and over again, but this is the fact: Yes, I’ve been hurt too many times. By different people, different time span, different types, by more than a dozen men out there. See?

I’ve never been good in love. I always overthink about the most insignificant gestures, most surreal eye contacts, and I always end up wandering, lost in my own bubble of thoughts. “He loves me, he loves me, he’d loved me as long as I’ve loved him!” I whisper the comforting words whenever I have to endure the unreplied text messages, the broken promises, the inevitable rejections, the unreturned phone calls, the blunders, the misread signals. I hold on to the blind faith that someday I’ll find someone who makes me happy. Someone who says what he feels instead of sending meaningless ‘good night’s that will only make me think about more than just usual greetings. Someone who dares to make me his only one instead of just saying “I wanna be with you”. Someone who proposes to me, rather than just saying “You’re the best woman that I can imagine to be my wife”.

I’ve loved too many wrong ones in my life. This makes me think that maybe I am actually the wrong one. There, I blame myself again. Maybe I’m not pretty enough, maybe I expect too much, what if he likes another girl. I’m lost in “could have”, “should have”, and “if only”. More than once I’ve warned myself whenever someone new comes into my life. I thought I’d rather live in paranoia forever than let myself hurt for uncountable number of times. But every time love knocks on my door, every time someone gives me more-than-usual dose of attention, I can only watch breathlessly how myself fall into the same trap. Fueled by hope and overflowing expectations, I fall. Deep, deep, deeper. And I’ll find myself unfulfilled after weeks of denial, sometimes only to watch him goes away with another chick or just stops without any clear reason. Each and every time someone leaves this aching mark, I renew my promise to stay on the safe line.

But I know I’ll betray my own promise. I cling to the tiniest little glimmers of hope, tell myself that it can still happen, that it only takes time. In between the beginning and the end, I think to my own subconscious mind, maybe he’s not the one. Another series of maybe-s. And the cycle goes on: I began with hope and ended with hurt.

I don’t know how long it will take for me to find someone worth waiting for, worth fighting for, who will actually fight for me, who will make it clear that he loves me. There are 7 billion people in this world, can’t I just find someone who loves me equally well? I’ve tried to tune myself up: care more about how I look, dress up for dates, be the bubbly person everyone can easily relate to, switch to my version of being cheery and sweet and lovely. But still I don’t find any light of why I don’t deserve someone good. I see my friends and how easily they get another boyfriend after boyfriend, when I still can’t overcome the dramas of broken hearts.

Trust me, I don’t want to be dramatic, but this is the consequence for someone who loves more than being loved: in the end, you can only hope for the best — for them. Not for you. You’ll always be wasted, bashed, and bruised by careless people who don’t even care when they do play with your heart. Somehow, tho, all these dumb experiences will make you stronger than most people. Because a complete heart is a heart that has been broken. And I know, I know perfectly well that I’ll never give up hope for myself, for these missing parts of my weary heart that have survived through different war zones.

Somewhere in the name of faith, someone will come to me with no doubt and with clearest, purest intention. That someone will never cease to amaze me, and I’ll finally be able to love and be loved wholeheartedly.

Till then, I’m not gonna stop trying. I’m gonna do whatever it takes for however long.